Well, I'm back at home after a week of "citter sitting" at my parents house. It was a great week, but I missed my own bed! Since the last time I had been out they have gotten two new kittens who are future barn cats. They are being referred to as the "Tricksters" for now, or for short, T1 (the grey one) & T2 (grey & white). Very cute!

A Sense of Self

The longer I nurture my relationship, the more I realize that the foundation to any good relationship is a good sense of self. It seems that a lot of women put their emotional well being in someone else’s hands, expecting their significant other to provide their happiness, and be their “everything”. That’s a tall order, and yet women get angry when men are unable to provide this for them. I’ve heard people say “he completes me” or “he’s my world”. That seems like a lot of pressure for anyone. Come on ladies…complete yourself…be your own future…create your own world!! I can’t help but wonder if these misguided expectations are the reason, or at least a contributing factor, to the current divorce rate. Starting a life together assuming that someone will be your “everything” seems a little bit unrealistic to me, but it explains a lot. It explains clingy women who constantly need attention, and it explains men that can’t wait to get the hell out of the house. Maybe it’s just my personality type, but I need to be alone sometimes. It gives me perspective. Sometimes I can only clear my head and mind when I am truly alone, and I see that in my future I will always have to make this time for myself. It’s important for me, and I think it’s important for any person in this world of intense over stimulation to just BE sometimes. Solitude encourages peace and reflection, and puts the sharp edges back on your dreams. It’s good to be reminded that you came into this world alone, and to take stock of how well you do when left to yourself. We can not go through life looking for someone to provide us support in every aspect, and still be happy people. I want to always be accountable for my emotional state, because in reality it’s a bit too important to put in someone else’s hands, regardless of your relationship (married or otherwise). I think the modern day interpretation of what marriage should be is skewed in that a lot of women do expect their partners to be responsible for their happiness. Maybe it’s because of all of the “happily ever after” stories we were told growing up, but regardless of how these crazy notions originated, I continually see the train wrecks that they cause, and it’s an UGLY scene.

I wrote Brian a long letter a few years ago about the importance of being independent, always pursuing personal goals, and basically just taking the time to do your own thing. The things that he can accomplish when he puts his mind to it never cease to amaze me. I can’t ever see myself demanding that he put a stop to his personal growth because I somehow think I deserve the majority of his time. That sounds weird, but the way that I want to be loved now, and in marriage is freely, and by choice...not obligation. I’ll always give Brian the freedom to broaden and enrich his life by whatever means he thinks is necessary, and I think as long as I do that I will be included in his experience. What more can I ask for or expect, other than that he do the same for me. Everything else is inconsequential. Love is not perfect, it can’t be. Love, to me, is two individuals happy with themselves, with their own lives apart, who can be happy to see one another at the end of the day. One of my worst fears in marriage is that I might be melded together with some one in such a way that I lose track of my own identity.

Maybe the key to a lifetime of true happiness with another person is not demanding, or even defining marriage, or the roles we think we are supposed to play in it. Maybe as long as you want to come home to another person……as long as you can be peaceful alongside them in quiet moments..maybe that’s what an enduring love equates to.
Some people do not think enduring love is possible (I count myself as a skeptic), but the more I think about it the more I begin to wonder if it is just our expectations of one another that are impossible to live up to. It might seem a little strange for the readers of this blog to understand why an unmarried, unengaged person would be delving into the expansive question of what matrimony suggests, and to understand that you would have to understand my background. For those of you that don’t, I will simply say that to see my mother marry 6 men, and go through 5 divorces, at the very least has made me question not only, and most simply, how a marriage is supposed to be, but more specifically what traits in another person (and myself) should I find to be acceptable in assuring me that if I take a leap of faith my marriage will last forever?? If there is one thing I have committed to, having witnessed multiple failed marriages, it is that I will not be getting married more than once, which in turn seems to demand a very real fear of making the commitment altogether. Luckily, I have also been provided with a wonderful example of what a great marriage can be. My dad has been married to a woman that has not only given me a great example of what women are capable of achieving individually, but who also taught me through her actions what it is to be a good and honest person. So, I have seen the best and worst of both worlds. I wouldn’t say I’m confused as much as committed to being responsible for my future, but I can acknowledge that up until this point I have had an aversion to the very idea of marriage. As with most things I find myself avoiding, I’ve come to the point of turning around and staring it in the eyeball demanding to know what the big deal is. :)

Lastly, if there are girls out there like me who have not been planning their wedding since they were 5, and have not been subscribing to BRIDE magazine since they were 21, I suggest reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is the author who wrote "Eat,Pray,Love" (great book!). I am only half way through Committed, but already her humorous approach (she herself went through a terrible divorce, leaving her skeptical about remarrying) to researching the history of marriage, and what it means to be married among different cultures is thought provoking. It's by no means a self help book, but rather just the story of what she had to go through to make peace with marriage again. It's been interesting.

Limitless

"Indeed, a fish and a bird may fall in love, but where will they live"? - Proverb

To this, I say that there are flying fish & diving birds!!!!

Today I’ll start by saying that the last 26 years of people imprinting upon me what a woman should look like in a bathing suit has me absolutely petrified today. I am REALLY daft sometimes. Here I am wondering WHY I had to be so lazy this winter. Did I really need all of those damn Christmas cookies? Of course not, but being weak by nature when it comes to food in general, I indulged. Now I have love handles that do nothing but remind me that every day passed is one day closer to the time of year when I have to walk around half naked to go swimming. I mean seriously, Spanx needs to custom make me a full body wet suit. Now, I am keeping in mind that the simple solution to this problem is three hideous letters…the GYM. I hate gyms. I hate sweating with other people. I REALLY hate gyms with men in them, which is the way most gyms are. Yes, please watch as the make-up I felt that I had to put on to come to the gym melts off of my face and soaks into my clothes. Feel free to listen as I grunt like a caveman trying to lift the bench press bar, and enjoy watching my face contort in a way you have probably never seen before as I try to do sit ups. Women understand this, right? I mean, truthfully, at the gym all I want to concentrate on is how the freak of a woman teaching the Spin class must be of distant relation to Satan. I don’t want to have to worry about some weirdo staring at me!
Now I have a major dilemma because it won’t be warm out for a few months, my treadmill is currently frozen on the porch, and in the process of writing this I think I have convinced myself that there is no way in hell I am joining the Y. Guess I need to give this one some more thought. In the meantime I guess I'll just continue to enjoy "sweatshirt season".