New Year, New Beginnings

I read last night that children of addict parents often, as they get older, see that parent in themselves and begin to hate and fear it. It's interesting because even though I (thankfully) lived with my dad who was and is wonderfully normal...the intermittent exposure I had to my mother has inflicted deep wounds that I am still uncovering. My resentment towards her is gone, but the fears about myself becoming like her run deep. Being engaged is forcing me to come to terms with these things. I used to think I didn't want to get married. I always said I'd never have kids because I didn't want them. I've been resolute about these things since I was 10 years old...way too young to even grasp what either of those commitments entailed. The funny thing is that I hung on to those resolutions all the way to adulthood. Now, as I'm reaching a place of peace, and the anger is long gone....I can recognize the fear. I didn't want to ever get married because I didn't ever want to risk getting divorced, or marrying the wrong person, or being stuck in an abusive relationship, or becoming dependant upon someone else. I didn't ever want to have kids because I was afraid I'd be a terrible mother. The truth is I want to be married to the right person, and I found him. I want to have kids with the right person, and I found him. I no longer have to feel that I am predisposed to fail. There's still lots of time to think about kids, but at least I don't have my feet planted in a flat out refusal anymore. It's amazing what a bright and hopeful light love can shine down on a person. It illuminates all of the dark corners and reveals that there really wasn't anything to be afraid of after all. :)

As we approach the beginning of a new year I can not help but to think about one that we are leaving behind. 2010: I will miss you, and look back at you fondly and without regret. This was the year that I learned not only to break the rules, but to change them. Sounds wonderfully rebellious, doesn't it? It has actually been an amazing edification of the very root of who I am. I've gone from being somewhat adrift to being a leader..even if I am the only one following.
There is a quote that I quite like that says:
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
What I understand now is that to "own" yourself you have to VALUE yourself. You have to RESPECT yourself. You have to BELIEVE in yourself even when no one else does. You have to keep going when there is no end in sight. I spent this whole year (and a good part of last year) trudging through a bog of emotions...just a lot of tough stuff. Sometimes there was no light, and I could only feel my way through the dark. Those days were painful, but I kept at it.
There is an incredible amount of strength to be gained from self-reliance. To be frank, I don't think I could have accepted any kind of proposal from anyone if I hadn't turned this corner. What they say about loving yourself first is true. I think a lot of that just comes with time. Sure, I may have had some extra hurdles to jump, but that only makes me more confidant going forward.
I'm sure the people that know me best might think that I am always in some state of philosophical reflection, and maybe I am. Rarely do I believe in one solid answer, or one idea completely. That frustrates a lot of people. That's ok though. I like to come to my own conclusions about things.
I have the highest of hopes that 2011 will be even more amazing than 2010. As long as I am open to all of the possibilities, I know it will be. AND...I get to plan my wedding to the most incredible, amazing, and truly wonderful man! I've been saying since I was 10 years old that I would never get married, but that place of fear and hurt has honestly been replaced by pure joy. I am secretly infatuated by all of the pretty things that a wedding involves, and elated by the prospect of being married to the love of my life. In short, I have reverted to a giddy little girl, although I am currently stifling it. :) :) :)

I want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone. May we all continue to be just as happy as we make up our minds to be!

JOY JOY JOY

He bought the cow after all. bahahaha! Sorry..inside joke. :)