Chloe's 1st Birthday & Easter

Spiritual vs. Religious

Merriam Webster says that Spiritual is defined as: of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit.
Religion is defined as: (1) : the service and worship of God or the supernatural (2) : commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance2 : a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices4 : a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

One of my resolutions this year was to seek out my spiritual side. I’ve been thinking about it, and the dilemma I’m having is defining it. The things that come naturally (and make the most sense) to me don’t fit into any one religion. Am I confusing spirituality and religion? Do they have to go hand in hand, or can I have one with out the other? Do I have to declare a God?
Here is what I know:
If being spiritual is being somewhat in touch with your spirit or the recognition that there is a piece of you beyond your body that answers to a higher calling, then I believe that, and have understood that for quite sometime. However, what inspires feelings of being spiritual or spirituality for me is the Earth. I’m not a hippie, too young to have seen the 70’s, and I do shower regularly……….but it is true that when I sit outside in the country, and I can hear the birds singing, and the wind slowly rocks the trees, and it’s QUIET like it must have always been before “civilization”…. in that moment, I feel the most connected to who I am, and where I came from. At those times, I am able to be acutely aware of what my purpose is. I can see in my minds eye the way things should be versus the way things are and feel inspired to make big changes. Now this is where I get confused….this seems like a religious expirence to me. When people go to church isn’t it to gain perspective on where they are spiritually? What can they do to better themselves, enrich their lives, create a better future for their children so that they may also see that there is a bigger picture? What I seem to lack is a named God. The people that go to most churches pray to a God, ask things of a God, carry out the will of a God, or try to live by the word of a God. There are strict guidelines that must be followed to be part of any religion wether it be Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Judaism, Islam…..these groups of people ban together based on common belief. My beliefs don’t seem to fit into any of these ninches perfectly. Perhaps organized religion isn’t for me? But then immediately upon thinking that, I think to my future kids. How will they be raised? What do I tell them? I was raised without being sent to a church every Sunday. I went with my grandparents on occasion. My fathers side of the family is Catholic, my mothers are Nazarene Christian (I guess…not sure how to say it properly). But neither mom or dad while together or separate, sent us to or put much emphasis on church. Church is where you learn about God. I think it’s safe to say that the church that your parents decided for you to go to when you are too young to decide for yourself is what you become. You don’t really have a choice. You only have the option to learn one thing. What I do not care for about organized religion is the misconception that some people seem to get that the one thing they learned is the ONLY thing for EVERYONE to learn.
So, here I am with a choice. Am I happy I have a choice? YES. Is it going to be difficult for me to try to cram myself into one of these molds? NO…because I don’t think I can do it! It was unrealistic for me to set a resolution for myself this year to “decide what I was” in terms of religion. You can’t make yourself believe in one year that a certain God is responsible for everything, or at least I can’t at this age. And it isn’t that I don’t believe in God either, because I do….I just can’t name him, and believe in my heart that all others are wrong. I could worship in a temple in India, a Catholic church, or do a ritual in the woods with an Amazonian tribe, and I would feel just as spiritually connected each time in each place. I think my “God” hears me and knows my heart in all locations just the same. Do I know his name, or his back story? No. I pray. My prayers just aren’t addressed as “Dear Jesus”, it’s more of a “To Whom it May Concern,”. I just don’t think that’s the most important thing here!! I think the important thing is to be grateful…endlessly grateful for everything we are given, and to realize it can be taken back at the drop of a hat. This leads to being thankful, and regardless of WHO your prayers of thanks go out to, most religions are united in this which makes me think THAT is the bigger picture here.
So, for the year 2010 that is what I’ll do. No one has to agree with me. Haha, I’m pretty sure no one reading this will agree with me and that’s ok. At the beginning of the year I thought I had to make a decision so I wasn’t just walking around believing in nothing. I didn’t want to call myself an atheist. The thing is, I do believe in something, always have, there just isn’t a church I can go to, and that’s ok. I don’t have to do an ennie meenie miney moe of the most popular beliefs and pick one to conform myself to. Although if I did, it would be Buddhism. Just sayin’.
Lastly, I love everyone for who they are at the core. This blog is, and has given me the chance to declare myself. It’s been nice. I bet some of you think I’m totally misguided, and really weird, and that’s fine. Sometimes I ask Brian about some of the things I write about, and it’s hard to get more than a few words out of him. He just doesn’t spend any of his time worring about anything that isn’t an immediate problem. I LOVE that about him. I love that we can be so different, and yet so unintrusive and respectful of each other. He’d let me do a rain dance around a fire every night if it would make me happy. That is the support that you need to explore yourself and discover who you truly are, and how lucky am I to have it?!! VERY VERY LUCKY!

Renewal

Spring seems to be around the corner, bringing with it a time of renewal. Not sure why, but this reminds me that I always have a choice. I can choose to be beaten down, to stay in the dark winter of my life forever...or I can choose light. I can choose to see the beautiful things. I can choose to adapt, and reinvent myself, to be resilient through the storms knowing that in due time the sun will be shining on me again....it always does.

A flower’s bloom
So small and closed
Protecting what's inside
Pausing in current circumstance,
her debut is yet denied.

Tightly coiled colors
Hidden & unrecognized
A tiny infant flower
Crouched, and tucked in disguise.

Waiting so patiently for a kiss
from her father, Sun
Eager to show the world she exists
and that she is far from where she begun.

Although the wind and rain come now
Violent, to beat her down
Each time, she rises taller still,
Stubborn, and refusing to drown.

And soon, over the tallest mountains
Promising the brightest light
A lazy sun slowly rises,
And in a fleeting moment of fright

This baby holds on, refuses to move,
but slowly lets go, finally ready
Bud becomes flower
This is her hour.

Unfolding each layer slowly
Exposing what she is, unapologetic
Each petal more beautiful than the last
Naturally effortless and truly poetic.

Nothing short of stunning,
Baring everything, beauty proclaimed
not drawing, but demanding the eye
Fresh and new, and unashamed.

And yet..
Who would have known in passing
What this tiny thing could be.
It begs the question that when our eyes look,
How much does our spirit SEE?

Well, I'm back at home after a week of "citter sitting" at my parents house. It was a great week, but I missed my own bed! Since the last time I had been out they have gotten two new kittens who are future barn cats. They are being referred to as the "Tricksters" for now, or for short, T1 (the grey one) & T2 (grey & white). Very cute!

A Sense of Self

The longer I nurture my relationship, the more I realize that the foundation to any good relationship is a good sense of self. It seems that a lot of women put their emotional well being in someone else’s hands, expecting their significant other to provide their happiness, and be their “everything”. That’s a tall order, and yet women get angry when men are unable to provide this for them. I’ve heard people say “he completes me” or “he’s my world”. That seems like a lot of pressure for anyone. Come on ladies…complete yourself…be your own future…create your own world!! I can’t help but wonder if these misguided expectations are the reason, or at least a contributing factor, to the current divorce rate. Starting a life together assuming that someone will be your “everything” seems a little bit unrealistic to me, but it explains a lot. It explains clingy women who constantly need attention, and it explains men that can’t wait to get the hell out of the house. Maybe it’s just my personality type, but I need to be alone sometimes. It gives me perspective. Sometimes I can only clear my head and mind when I am truly alone, and I see that in my future I will always have to make this time for myself. It’s important for me, and I think it’s important for any person in this world of intense over stimulation to just BE sometimes. Solitude encourages peace and reflection, and puts the sharp edges back on your dreams. It’s good to be reminded that you came into this world alone, and to take stock of how well you do when left to yourself. We can not go through life looking for someone to provide us support in every aspect, and still be happy people. I want to always be accountable for my emotional state, because in reality it’s a bit too important to put in someone else’s hands, regardless of your relationship (married or otherwise). I think the modern day interpretation of what marriage should be is skewed in that a lot of women do expect their partners to be responsible for their happiness. Maybe it’s because of all of the “happily ever after” stories we were told growing up, but regardless of how these crazy notions originated, I continually see the train wrecks that they cause, and it’s an UGLY scene.

I wrote Brian a long letter a few years ago about the importance of being independent, always pursuing personal goals, and basically just taking the time to do your own thing. The things that he can accomplish when he puts his mind to it never cease to amaze me. I can’t ever see myself demanding that he put a stop to his personal growth because I somehow think I deserve the majority of his time. That sounds weird, but the way that I want to be loved now, and in marriage is freely, and by choice...not obligation. I’ll always give Brian the freedom to broaden and enrich his life by whatever means he thinks is necessary, and I think as long as I do that I will be included in his experience. What more can I ask for or expect, other than that he do the same for me. Everything else is inconsequential. Love is not perfect, it can’t be. Love, to me, is two individuals happy with themselves, with their own lives apart, who can be happy to see one another at the end of the day. One of my worst fears in marriage is that I might be melded together with some one in such a way that I lose track of my own identity.

Maybe the key to a lifetime of true happiness with another person is not demanding, or even defining marriage, or the roles we think we are supposed to play in it. Maybe as long as you want to come home to another person……as long as you can be peaceful alongside them in quiet moments..maybe that’s what an enduring love equates to.
Some people do not think enduring love is possible (I count myself as a skeptic), but the more I think about it the more I begin to wonder if it is just our expectations of one another that are impossible to live up to. It might seem a little strange for the readers of this blog to understand why an unmarried, unengaged person would be delving into the expansive question of what matrimony suggests, and to understand that you would have to understand my background. For those of you that don’t, I will simply say that to see my mother marry 6 men, and go through 5 divorces, at the very least has made me question not only, and most simply, how a marriage is supposed to be, but more specifically what traits in another person (and myself) should I find to be acceptable in assuring me that if I take a leap of faith my marriage will last forever?? If there is one thing I have committed to, having witnessed multiple failed marriages, it is that I will not be getting married more than once, which in turn seems to demand a very real fear of making the commitment altogether. Luckily, I have also been provided with a wonderful example of what a great marriage can be. My dad has been married to a woman that has not only given me a great example of what women are capable of achieving individually, but who also taught me through her actions what it is to be a good and honest person. So, I have seen the best and worst of both worlds. I wouldn’t say I’m confused as much as committed to being responsible for my future, but I can acknowledge that up until this point I have had an aversion to the very idea of marriage. As with most things I find myself avoiding, I’ve come to the point of turning around and staring it in the eyeball demanding to know what the big deal is. :)

Lastly, if there are girls out there like me who have not been planning their wedding since they were 5, and have not been subscribing to BRIDE magazine since they were 21, I suggest reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is the author who wrote "Eat,Pray,Love" (great book!). I am only half way through Committed, but already her humorous approach (she herself went through a terrible divorce, leaving her skeptical about remarrying) to researching the history of marriage, and what it means to be married among different cultures is thought provoking. It's by no means a self help book, but rather just the story of what she had to go through to make peace with marriage again. It's been interesting.

Limitless

"Indeed, a fish and a bird may fall in love, but where will they live"? - Proverb

To this, I say that there are flying fish & diving birds!!!!

Today I’ll start by saying that the last 26 years of people imprinting upon me what a woman should look like in a bathing suit has me absolutely petrified today. I am REALLY daft sometimes. Here I am wondering WHY I had to be so lazy this winter. Did I really need all of those damn Christmas cookies? Of course not, but being weak by nature when it comes to food in general, I indulged. Now I have love handles that do nothing but remind me that every day passed is one day closer to the time of year when I have to walk around half naked to go swimming. I mean seriously, Spanx needs to custom make me a full body wet suit. Now, I am keeping in mind that the simple solution to this problem is three hideous letters…the GYM. I hate gyms. I hate sweating with other people. I REALLY hate gyms with men in them, which is the way most gyms are. Yes, please watch as the make-up I felt that I had to put on to come to the gym melts off of my face and soaks into my clothes. Feel free to listen as I grunt like a caveman trying to lift the bench press bar, and enjoy watching my face contort in a way you have probably never seen before as I try to do sit ups. Women understand this, right? I mean, truthfully, at the gym all I want to concentrate on is how the freak of a woman teaching the Spin class must be of distant relation to Satan. I don’t want to have to worry about some weirdo staring at me!
Now I have a major dilemma because it won’t be warm out for a few months, my treadmill is currently frozen on the porch, and in the process of writing this I think I have convinced myself that there is no way in hell I am joining the Y. Guess I need to give this one some more thought. In the meantime I guess I'll just continue to enjoy "sweatshirt season".