It’s been awhile! I’ve been short on time with Christmas quickly approaching, but I just wanted to jot down a thought I had when I was driving home from work yesterday.
Recently, I’ve been going through some adjustments. It can hit you pretty hard to realize that the future you have been daydreaming about for the past few years will not end up being your reality….but I suppose that is the consequence of being a daydreamer. I have been working through this SLOWLY, and although I have questioned every possibility and tried to figure out what things will be like in 2 or 5 or 10 years, I always come to the same infuriating conclusion, which is that I simply can’t predict it. Most people kind of already get that without putting themselves through the heartache I have over the past several months, but at the risk of sounding like I’m making excuses….my situation is a little different. Or is it? Have I been moaning to myself for all of these months trying to figure out how I am going to cope with something other than the “normal” that I had imagined without stopping to think that perhaps normal does not exist?? Normal could be equated to things like unicorns and fairies in my book…..some mythical creature that people try to convince you really exists when your young enough to maybe believe it, but then you get older and realize how ludicrous that notion really is.
So, today is a good day because I can laugh at myself a bit for being so ridiculous and remind myself how easy it is to become really attached to your fantasies of how things should be. The thing is, when it comes to people, personalities, relationships, love, illness, emotions, and life in general…..everything can change in an instant. Are we truly appreciative of what we have RIGHT NOW? Or are we dwelling on what we don’t have right now? I would like for my goal to be to appreciate the things about the people in my life that I have right now…not what I want them to be, or what I wish I could change, or how “abnormal” things seem to be.
Anyway, the culmination of all of these thoughts, as it occurred to me in my car is simple, and yet somehow staggering…If I can’t imagine my life with out him, then this is what it’s SUPPOSED TO BE. Everything that’s happening is and will always be manageable because at the end of the day I won’t feel short changed, or like I missed chances, or didn’t get to do something because of some limitation…I will never be burdened because I will always know how lucky I am to be spending my life with the one person I truly believe I was meant to spend it with. Some people NEVER find that, and I just don’t foresee any obstacle worth giving it up for.
PS: I don't know why but I feel like I should apologize to the 2-5 people that read this. It must get really old reading all about my epiphany's of what could be considered common sense to most people. I guess this blog is more for myself to read through and serve as a reminder of what I believe is really important, and the journey it took to get me to that conclusion. I realize it probably isn't a very exciting read!! Also, there are some gaps and lack of detail, but only because I don't think Brian would appreciate every detail of his life on display to the world, so I try to only express my personal opinions without invading his privacy.
Ok, that's it for now. Will write again soon...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Dear LIFE,
Must you be so unpredictable? Please arrange things to go according to my plans from now on. It is really frustrating when I have everything in order, and then you come and mess it up. It almost seems like you're laughing at me. I will assume that you aren't, because that's just mean.
Also, in the future I would like at least a short notice of any minor or major disasters that you are planning to throw at me. It really isn't fair for you to just expect me to deal with it out of the blue. It's like a house guest showing up unannounced with a suitcase on your doorstep.....very rude. In fact, I think we should work on your manners altogether, because now that I think about it, they really are terrible.
Sincerely,
Me
Must you be so unpredictable? Please arrange things to go according to my plans from now on. It is really frustrating when I have everything in order, and then you come and mess it up. It almost seems like you're laughing at me. I will assume that you aren't, because that's just mean.
Also, in the future I would like at least a short notice of any minor or major disasters that you are planning to throw at me. It really isn't fair for you to just expect me to deal with it out of the blue. It's like a house guest showing up unannounced with a suitcase on your doorstep.....very rude. In fact, I think we should work on your manners altogether, because now that I think about it, they really are terrible.
Sincerely,
Me
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
This week I...
took the first sick day I've taken in over a year. Recovered quickly. Bought a new T.V. (Merry Christmas Brian). Learned how to administer a subcutaneous injection. Helped Brian apply for health insurance. Got angry when he was denied. Worked. Slept. Started reading Jeni Stepanek's book, Messenger. Watched Food, Inc. and found it very interesting. Promised myself I'd be more mindful of the things I put in my body. Ordered a very expensive bottle of wine. Went on a date. Saw Paranormal Activity & woke up 5-6 times in the middle of the night because it freaked me out. Got my Chicken Fried Chicken fix at Cracker Barrel. Gave many hugs & kisses. Played with my cats. Cooked the best Chicken Parmesan EVER (if I do say so myself). Became 100% debt free. Laughed a lot. Cried a little. Finally admitted that I'm "adjusting". Got made fun of for "adjusting", complete with a song. Fell in love again. :)
Monday, November 2, 2009
I can't believe how much I learn every day. It's amazing how much growth I have experienced just by being open to learning, and realizing that until my last day on this earth I will continue to learn. I will never have it all figured out. That's my journey.
My teachers are amazing. Everyone who surrounds me has so much to offer, as long as I am willing to listen. When you go to school, you are taught the basics of what this country thinks should be common knowledge by a certain age. After that, you are trained and prepared for a specific career. I will never devalue education, because I believe it is absolutely paramount, but my point here is that it can only prepare you for one element of your life. We spend 16+ years in school being formally prepared to enter the work force. This leads me to ask.....how much of life is work?? We haven't spent any time with our youth preparing them for the other 90% of life. Who teaches us how to deal with loss and love and friendship, unexpected illness, giving, surviving, inner strength, & passion? Our parents teach us some, but I think most people who have survived teenagers will agree that you can't really tell them anything...they have to learn on their own. What about the children who are forgotten? Let us not assume that all children have two loving parents at home willing to teach and explain, because in reality, the world is darker than that. Who teaches these children? Learning math will not send them home feeling comforted. While we can not personally reach out and touch each child or person who may just need to be told things will be ok, and that time is an amazing healer, what we can do is be open to these people in our lives. Think of what would happen if every one did that. Teach kindness by example, and the person who learned from you will in turn teach another. Let's not turn our backs on someone in need so that we may be confidant that if we are in need we will not be ignored. "We are our brothers keeper." Let's continue the education every single day, never forgetting how much we have to learn, and equally as important, the responsibility that we have to teach.
For Our World
We need to stop.
Just stop.
Stop for a moment.
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
Silent for a moment.
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment.
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice.
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment.
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.
- Matthew Stepanek (1990-2004)
I am planning to go get the book his mother just wrote. It's called MESSENGER: The Legacy of Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Heartsongs. If you need some inspiration, I think this is a good place to start. What an amazing little boy.
My teachers are amazing. Everyone who surrounds me has so much to offer, as long as I am willing to listen. When you go to school, you are taught the basics of what this country thinks should be common knowledge by a certain age. After that, you are trained and prepared for a specific career. I will never devalue education, because I believe it is absolutely paramount, but my point here is that it can only prepare you for one element of your life. We spend 16+ years in school being formally prepared to enter the work force. This leads me to ask.....how much of life is work?? We haven't spent any time with our youth preparing them for the other 90% of life. Who teaches us how to deal with loss and love and friendship, unexpected illness, giving, surviving, inner strength, & passion? Our parents teach us some, but I think most people who have survived teenagers will agree that you can't really tell them anything...they have to learn on their own. What about the children who are forgotten? Let us not assume that all children have two loving parents at home willing to teach and explain, because in reality, the world is darker than that. Who teaches these children? Learning math will not send them home feeling comforted. While we can not personally reach out and touch each child or person who may just need to be told things will be ok, and that time is an amazing healer, what we can do is be open to these people in our lives. Think of what would happen if every one did that. Teach kindness by example, and the person who learned from you will in turn teach another. Let's not turn our backs on someone in need so that we may be confidant that if we are in need we will not be ignored. "We are our brothers keeper." Let's continue the education every single day, never forgetting how much we have to learn, and equally as important, the responsibility that we have to teach.
For Our World
We need to stop.
Just stop.
Stop for a moment.
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
Silent for a moment.
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment.
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice.
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment.
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.
- Matthew Stepanek (1990-2004)
I am planning to go get the book his mother just wrote. It's called MESSENGER: The Legacy of Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Heartsongs. If you need some inspiration, I think this is a good place to start. What an amazing little boy.
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