It’s been awhile! I’ve been short on time with Christmas quickly approaching, but I just wanted to jot down a thought I had when I was driving home from work yesterday.
Recently, I’ve been going through some adjustments. It can hit you pretty hard to realize that the future you have been daydreaming about for the past few years will not end up being your reality….but I suppose that is the consequence of being a daydreamer. I have been working through this SLOWLY, and although I have questioned every possibility and tried to figure out what things will be like in 2 or 5 or 10 years, I always come to the same infuriating conclusion, which is that I simply can’t predict it. Most people kind of already get that without putting themselves through the heartache I have over the past several months, but at the risk of sounding like I’m making excuses….my situation is a little different. Or is it? Have I been moaning to myself for all of these months trying to figure out how I am going to cope with something other than the “normal” that I had imagined without stopping to think that perhaps normal does not exist?? Normal could be equated to things like unicorns and fairies in my book…..some mythical creature that people try to convince you really exists when your young enough to maybe believe it, but then you get older and realize how ludicrous that notion really is.
So, today is a good day because I can laugh at myself a bit for being so ridiculous and remind myself how easy it is to become really attached to your fantasies of how things should be. The thing is, when it comes to people, personalities, relationships, love, illness, emotions, and life in general…..everything can change in an instant. Are we truly appreciative of what we have RIGHT NOW? Or are we dwelling on what we don’t have right now? I would like for my goal to be to appreciate the things about the people in my life that I have right now…not what I want them to be, or what I wish I could change, or how “abnormal” things seem to be.
Anyway, the culmination of all of these thoughts, as it occurred to me in my car is simple, and yet somehow staggering…If I can’t imagine my life with out him, then this is what it’s SUPPOSED TO BE. Everything that’s happening is and will always be manageable because at the end of the day I won’t feel short changed, or like I missed chances, or didn’t get to do something because of some limitation…I will never be burdened because I will always know how lucky I am to be spending my life with the one person I truly believe I was meant to spend it with. Some people NEVER find that, and I just don’t foresee any obstacle worth giving it up for.


PS: I don't know why but I feel like I should apologize to the 2-5 people that read this. It must get really old reading all about my epiphany's of what could be considered common sense to most people. I guess this blog is more for myself to read through and serve as a reminder of what I believe is really important, and the journey it took to get me to that conclusion. I realize it probably isn't a very exciting read!! Also, there are some gaps and lack of detail, but only because I don't think Brian would appreciate every detail of his life on display to the world, so I try to only express my personal opinions without invading his privacy.

Ok, that's it for now. Will write again soon...

"This might well be an opportunity for you to become someone exceptional and find things within you that even you did not know were there."

-John Phillips

Dear LIFE,
Must you be so unpredictable? Please arrange things to go according to my plans from now on. It is really frustrating when I have everything in order, and then you come and mess it up. It almost seems like you're laughing at me. I will assume that you aren't, because that's just mean.
Also, in the future I would like at least a short notice of any minor or major disasters that you are planning to throw at me. It really isn't fair for you to just expect me to deal with it out of the blue. It's like a house guest showing up unannounced with a suitcase on your doorstep.....very rude. In fact, I think we should work on your manners altogether, because now that I think about it, they really are terrible.
Sincerely,
Me

My boys :)

This week I...

took the first sick day I've taken in over a year. Recovered quickly. Bought a new T.V. (Merry Christmas Brian). Learned how to administer a subcutaneous injection. Helped Brian apply for health insurance. Got angry when he was denied. Worked. Slept. Started reading Jeni Stepanek's book, Messenger. Watched Food, Inc. and found it very interesting. Promised myself I'd be more mindful of the things I put in my body. Ordered a very expensive bottle of wine. Went on a date. Saw Paranormal Activity & woke up 5-6 times in the middle of the night because it freaked me out. Got my Chicken Fried Chicken fix at Cracker Barrel. Gave many hugs & kisses. Played with my cats. Cooked the best Chicken Parmesan EVER (if I do say so myself). Became 100% debt free. Laughed a lot. Cried a little. Finally admitted that I'm "adjusting". Got made fun of for "adjusting", complete with a song. Fell in love again. :)

I can't believe how much I learn every day. It's amazing how much growth I have experienced just by being open to learning, and realizing that until my last day on this earth I will continue to learn. I will never have it all figured out. That's my journey.
My teachers are amazing. Everyone who surrounds me has so much to offer, as long as I am willing to listen. When you go to school, you are taught the basics of what this country thinks should be common knowledge by a certain age. After that, you are trained and prepared for a specific career. I will never devalue education, because I believe it is absolutely paramount, but my point here is that it can only prepare you for one element of your life. We spend 16+ years in school being formally prepared to enter the work force. This leads me to ask.....how much of life is work?? We haven't spent any time with our youth preparing them for the other 90% of life. Who teaches us how to deal with loss and love and friendship, unexpected illness, giving, surviving, inner strength, & passion? Our parents teach us some, but I think most people who have survived teenagers will agree that you can't really tell them anything...they have to learn on their own. What about the children who are forgotten? Let us not assume that all children have two loving parents at home willing to teach and explain, because in reality, the world is darker than that. Who teaches these children? Learning math will not send them home feeling comforted. While we can not personally reach out and touch each child or person who may just need to be told things will be ok, and that time is an amazing healer, what we can do is be open to these people in our lives. Think of what would happen if every one did that. Teach kindness by example, and the person who learned from you will in turn teach another. Let's not turn our backs on someone in need so that we may be confidant that if we are in need we will not be ignored. "We are our brothers keeper." Let's continue the education every single day, never forgetting how much we have to learn, and equally as important, the responsibility that we have to teach.


For Our World
We need to stop.
Just stop.
Stop for a moment.
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
Silent for a moment.
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment.
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice.
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment.
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.

- Matthew Stepanek (1990-2004)

I am planning to go get the book his mother just wrote. It's called MESSENGER: The Legacy of Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Heartsongs. If you need some inspiration, I think this is a good place to start. What an amazing little boy.

My lil Strawberry :)

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.

What we need is to love without getting tired.

-Mother Teresa

AND...

What is up with Rockford car stereo thieves? Seriously people....GET A JOB!

**Update** Apparently the thief was a 12 year old, so I guess that explains why he has no job. Real nice, huh? WHERE are your parents kid?? Probably hitting the next block over......so sad.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave..

I can't even count how many times I have been lied to and betrayed in my life. It's the same for all of us. I've done my fair share of lying in the past. As a teenager, it was my language. The thing is, at some point you have to grow up. I woke up really hurt and disappointed, and worst of all I woke up full of doubt about a person that I love this morning, because he lied to me. It wasn't a big lie, but he looked me in the eye three times and lied to me every time. What do you do about that? I really feel like I've been taken advantage of. I always assume the best about people, and to have that thrown back in your face hurts. REALLY hurts. It makes me doubt myself & it makes me doubt him. That's what lies do and that's why I HATE to be lied to. I'm finding it hard to be forgiving. Last night I felt like I hadn't felt in a really long time, and that's going to be hard to forget.
People don't always want to hear the truth, but they always deserve to know. You shouldn't take away some one's right to make an informed decision about the way they feel by being deceitful. You shouldn't assume that someone is going to react a certain way, and use that as justification for a lie. I'm no perfect person, and I'm sure I'll screw up a lot more in my life, but the one thing I will always do is take accountability for my mistakes. I just feel that if you are going to take deliberate action and do something, then it should be something that you are willing to stand by......otherwise you really probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

A little Sunday Inspiration

How startling, and very different our perceptions of ourselves are from the way others perceive us. Some of the strongest people in my life do not recognize the wonderful qualities that they possess, and do not realize what they are truly capable of. My cousin Stephanie often posts this quote, and I find it inspiring, so I thought I would share.........

This is to remind you of that trusting child inside you who learned a long time ago that you have to fall a few times before you can walk.

This is to help you remember the light-hearted, land-on-your-feet spirit that is within you, and the never-give-up prizefighter you can be when you want to.

This is to tell you that you've got what it takes-It's been in you all along, Just waiting for you to believe again.

If you ever forget, just take a look in the mirror at the wonderful, powerful person staring you right in the face-because that's the you that others see, and are inspired by, and love so very much.

-Author Unknown

Great Week!

It's been a great week so far. I've given myself some goals to work towards, and that always feels good! :) Yesterday was such a beautiful day. Brian and I hiked around the lake at Rock Cut after work , and it was gorgeous! The trees are so pretty right now.
I've been trying to think of a short trip to take over Brian's spring break. Nothing crazy, maybe just a long weekend. I'd love to go to Napa Valley. Not really your typical spring break destination, but we are not really your typical spring break-ers. Even if we just end up in Chicago, it'll be fun, AND it gives me something to daydream about and plan! I think my dream job would be as a travel agent, planning trips for people. Thank you Travelocity, Expedia & Priceline for making that job obsolete. I'd also like to thank the recession for making it impossible to make any money off of real estate. That would be dream job # 2 down the hole. Or should I thank George W. for that? Oh well, what's done is done.

Back to daydreaming...mountain views, good wine, excellent food...yep, that's better. :)

Hope everyone is having a good week!

Self-Help

Dear Self,
Get it together baby! It’s time to finally start taking care of some of the things that have been bothering you for awhile now. In fact, I can’t believe some of the things that you’ve just left in limbo!! You should know by now you can’t expect things to just take care of themselves. Let’s start at the beginning:
#1 – Your mother! Start talking to your mother again. It’s been a long time coming, and you keep going back and forth. It goes against pretty much every thing you believe to quit something just because it isn’t easy. Hello!?? When have things ever been easy for you? And don’t you always say that you have to work hard for the things that matter the most? So what if you don’t agree on everything! That would be what makes you different people. Mutual respect will bring you common ground. You only get one mother. Fix it.
#2 – Sister, you need to start working out again. These last 2 months of doing nothing are starting to show. Remind yourself that indoor heating has cancelled out any reason to collect an “extra layer” for winter. You’re not a bear..you don’t live in a cave. Welcome to 2010…the year of the treadmill.
#3 – Loosen up! You think it’s so easy to tell everyone to slow down and enjoy every day, but you are the biggest offender! Especially recently. Coming home and snapping at your boyfriend because you can’t let go of the stress from your work day is not only counter-productive, it’s completely unfair. Be glad you have someone you love to come home to. Don’t ever get in the habit of taking things out on him because he’s the closest person to you. You’ve seen marriages end over that garbage, so rein it in immediately. Not worth it. Also in the category of loosening up would be your overwhelming need for order and lists and control over how things operate in your life. If you could just squelch the urge to get aggravated when one little minute, and probably insignificant detail goes awry, that would be awesome. It’s exhausting trying to have everything “handled” all the time.
#4 – Your job….is just a job. It isn’t the career you want in the long term. Remember that.
#5 – Stop putting yourself at the back of the line! Every once in awhile you deserve a manicure or a massage. Stop putting it off, and telling yourself that money would be better used on something more practical. If I recall correctly, most recently it was furnace filters. That’s sad. Take care of yourself, treat yourself to unnecessary things once in awhile…isn’t that why you keep the aforementioned job?

Let’s start there. And remember: To live for results would be to sentence yourself to continuous frustration. Your only sure reward is in your actions and not from them. (Hugh Prather)
Keep moving forward!

Ralph Lauren Sucks

This is an article that reminded me of the blog I wrote on August 18th. As someone who is,embarrassingly enough, influenced by the media regarding what I should look like, I find this really sad. The model in the article is so pretty with her "real" body!! This makes me wonder....if I ever have a daughter, what will she be looking at as her "ideal?". Little kids get scared of people dressed up as monsters around Halloween, and they have nightmares about ghosts and demons because they see them in all the scary movies and TV shows. No matter how much you tell them "it isn't real", and although they may know it isn't real, it's still SCARY! Same thing with this incredibly misleading advertising. It may not be "real", but if it's in your face enough, it may start to seem that way. My first reaction to print ads with models half naked in them is usually "I will never look like that". And it's true...I never will, and after reading this article I know that she probably won't either! How sad that even the beautiful girls doing the modeling aren't good enough anymore.
Anyway, check it out :
http://astrology.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/was-the-photoshopped-ralph-lauren-model-fired-for-being-overweight-525248/

PS:

Is it just me, or are Geminis just totally bi-polar(ish)??!!!

Not worth it!

Health problems caused or exacerbated by stress:
Pain of any kind
Heart disease
Digestive problems
Sleep problems
Depression
Obesity
Autoimmune diseases
Skin conditions, such as eczema

Stress Warning Signs and Symptoms

Cognitive Symptoms
Memory problems
Inability to concentrate
Poor judgment
Seeing only the negative
Anxious or racing thoughts
Constant worrying

Emotional Symptoms
Moodiness
Irritability or short temper
Agitation, inability to relax
Feeling overwhelmed
Sense of loneliness and isolation
Depression or general unhappiness

Physical Symptoms
Aches and pains
Nausea, dizziness
Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
Frequent colds

Behavioral Symptoms
Eating more or less
Sleeping too much or too little
Isolating yourself from others
Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

WHY would I want to do this to myself??? Over a job? Somehow I don't think that if I got sick the people that I work for/with would be by my bedside. It's time to chill out & concentrate on the things & people that really matter. I work to live, I don't live to work. Money isn't that important and I can't believe that I've let myself get so worked up over it. I wish I could erase this week and do it over, because I failed myself. I've been so negative and angry, and it's just a downward spiral from there. Time to stop and turn it around before it gains any more momentum. YIKES!

Never Never Land

I remember when I was younger I thought I could do anything, any time. If I didn't want to go to work, I'd call in. If I didn't want to do something, I'd blow it off. If my day wasn't shaping up to be fun and exciting, I'd make the changes necessary to make sure it was. I was basically immature and selfish, right?
I'm noticing now that I have gone into some kind of "auto-pilot" mode. When I wake up in the morning I go through the same motions like a freakin' robot day after day after day. It's all very Truman Show-ish. Although I feel under paid and sometimes under appreciated at my job, I can't remember the last time I called in to work. I haven't taken a sick day in over a year. Everyone comes before I do. I'm last on the list. Is this maturity? Does finally just sucking it up and accepting that you have to do things you don't want to all of the time mean that I am an adult now? Is that even normal? At the same token, is it normal to wake up every day and be super excited? I know there is a balance between the two extremes, but I am just not finding it. Something has to change, because I don't think I want to be in this groove forever....even if it means that I never "grow-up".

Newest Chloe Pictures

Hawkeyes Tailgating Awesomeness

Well, we made it back from Iowa! What a great game...the Hawkeyes won by 2 pts and beat Michigan. :) Tailgating at Kinnick was QUITE an experience. Never seen so much black and yellow all in one place. It was madness, and these people were hardcore, diehard fans. The weather was not as warm as we would have liked, but we were just happy it stopped snowing (yes, SNOWING!). A good time was had by all, and we will definitely be back again next year to cheer on the Hawkeyes!

We also got to spend some quality time with Chloe, which was AMAZING. I can't believe she is already pulling herself up. It won't be long now until she is walking around. Unbelievable. Although I never thought it would be possible, she has gotten even cuter.
Can't wait until Thanksgiving when I can see everyone again!

Hmmm..

Sometimes life is just funny. Not funny ha ha, but funny in a way that if you don't laugh you might just cry. The situations that just pop up and hit you like a ton of bricks. Those are the worst. No time to adjust, no dipping your toe in the water...you're just plunged into the frigid reality that things will not always be the way you imagined them. It's HARD to deal with. Not much else to say.

:)

I often wonder if I am too connected. With Facebook, Blogger, E-mail, cell phone...people pretty much always know what I am doing. I am reachable at any time. Is it unnatural to be so accessible? I'm not sure I have the answer to that question yet, but I do have an interesting story. Yesterday on Facebook, I was put in contact with my 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Broadsky. I remember her well. She was one of my favorite teachers, and guided us all through our first term papers. I did mine on the Blue Whale. When we graduated in 1997, she retired. She was so encouraging, unfailingly positive, and always ready to guide her students tenderly through what we as 8th graders thought was the most confusing and dramatic time of our lives. In fact, I can't believe all the memories that Mrs. B brings back. I remember well all of the teachers at my elementary school, and how each one helped me along my way. It is truly amazing the impact that teachers can have on their students lives. I know I will always remember them.
Yesterday when I got home from work Brian was telling me about about some trouble his sister, who is a teacher, was having with a student. She teaches 2nd grade, and one student was giving her problems, and acting out continuously in class. She called a meeting with the child's parents, presumably in hopes that they could tackle this problem together. The students father came in, and when confronted with his child's bad behavior, was defensive to the point that he launched a personal attack on her character. He made it about race. He had no intention of working as a team with the teacher who had reached out to him for the sake of his child. Unfortunately, his kid is the one he really hurt by reacting that way. Anyway, the point is that she reached out. And that although it's only natural to be discouraged and upset by the irrational dad that she met with that day, 98% of the kids in the classroom that she walks into every morning, will remember her in 15 years, and throughout their lives. Maybe they'll find her on Facebook, and thank her, as I did yesterday with my teacher. Maybe she was the only consistent thing in their lives that year, or the only smile they saw each day. Brian was wondering out loud last night as he was telling me about this...why in the world does she teach in such a rough area? Although we both agreed that it's commendable, it can't be easy. Nothing that's worth it ever is.
My teacher from 8th grade, Mrs. B, got on facebook 6 days ago, and has since had 75 connections made from previous students, all with fond memories. It made me think of Melissa, and hope that she knows that although there will ALWAYS be difficult people to deal with no matter what job you have, she will always have students that look back and remember her. Who was your 2nd grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Tyler. :)

**some details of this post have been changed to protect the identity of the characters....like the fact that Brian's sister teacher FIRST grade...not 2nd. duh. :)

Pictures from this week

Country Mouse & the City Mouse

The "Farm" 5:45am

The day starts when the sun rises & I go out to feed the animals. The world just looks different here. There's dew on the grass, and the air is cooler. The mist is just lifting off of the ground. The sun is rising a fiery orange against a pink sky to the east, but the moon still lingers above. The horses greet me each morning with soft sounds, not demanding their breakfast, but welcoming me to be a part of their morning. Lucy pads alongside me where ever I go, a constant companion as I complete my morning tasks. She is just happy to be where I am. The sound of crickets chirping gradually gives way to the crescendo of the birds as they too greet the dawn. A new day has announced itself and as I breathe it in, I can't help but wonder: how many of these morning have I missed?
The beginning to a typical day in my life starts with the blaring of an alarm clock followed by a frantic rush to get ready for work. I sprint to my car, and my feet touch nothing but asphalt. I don't notice the sky, except to wince because it feels like the sun is burning my retinas out as I drive eastward towards the office. In my mad dash, I've forgotten my sunglasses again. At work, I'm in my office all day. If I'm lucky I'll leave for lunch, but often that does not even involve getting out of my car. When I return home, after picking up the house, making dinner, and completing some of the other mundane tasks that demand my time each day, I am usually surprised to look out the window and see the darkness. A whole day disappeared. It's easy for me to understand now how on some days I feel so stressed out, weary, and utterly tired. I am so focused on my "life" that I have forgotten that there is a whole world breathing around me, and in comparison I am just a tiny little cricket chirping into the wind. This reminds me that there is a bigger picture...so much bigger than I am, and I take comfort in that, because things should never become so big and important that we think we are all that matters. How far off track do we have to be to think that we are bigger than the very thing that sustains us?
I need to be better about reminding myself to slow down. I don't want my days to fly by...I don't want to wonder in 50 years where they have gone. I want to soak them up slowly, and I want them to matter.
It's amazing what a little time in the country can do to feed my soul. I just need to find a way to incorporate it into the city.

Or get my city boy to move to the country. ;)

Chloe's Baptism 8/30/09 @ First Lutheran Church

We had a good time in Makoqueta on Saturday. The baptism went very smoothly, and Chloe was being an angel, as usual. No one burst into flames. Everyone looked great all dressed up. It was a beautiful day! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but nothing ever compares to hanging out with my family. :) We got to meet a lot of Danielle's family as well, and they were all very nice. PLUS...Brian and I now have a goddaughter, which is just one more reason to add to the long list of reasons we already have to spoil her!

The bad with the good

Every time something amazing happens in my life, or my brothers life, the joy sometimes becomes a little shadowed by the hurt that I feel because of the distance in our family. And I'm not talking about miles. And I hate that it's like that! I know that I will always be there for David, and no matter what we'll always be close. It makes me wish it could be that way with my other siblings. I've sacrificed, I've travelled, I've met people half way. I've even gone so far as to write letters when all other avenues of communication have failed.
With Chloe's baptism approaching, I can't help but be a little sad at the thought of the many special moments that I have missed with my other nieces and nephews.
This is why I constantly remind Brian to be thankful that his family is so close, that Milwaukee isn't that far away, and if he can help it, not to miss any birthday parties. You just don't get those things back, and they really are so precious.

Now, on a more upbeat note.....I'm so freakin excited to see my lil Chloe!!!!!! Not excited to be getting up at 5:30am, but whatever! My dad is riding along with us, so I'm sure the drive will be interesting. :)
If I could just get the weather to cooperate so that I don't freeze in my dress, that would be awesome. 60 degrees in August just isn't right!

Marriage Aversion

Aversion: a tendency to extinguish a behavior or to avoid a thing or situation and especially a usually pleasurable one because it is or has been associated with a noxious stimulus.

I had a dream about getting married last night, and when I woke up I felt like I was being strangled. Not good.

Stop, Drop & Roll

I love Fridays! And this weekend is going to be excellent, because there is nothing I HAVE to do! Brian started class Wednesday, so he'll probably have homework (this is his last year...woohoo!). He has a pretty full workload this semester, but he can handle it. It's getting down to crunch time as far as what he is going to do when he finishes up at Rockford College. I'm already having a little anxiety about moving to some random place. Just yesterday he was talking about Alabama. Umm....Alabama? Ok, so there's a great school there, and I'd never ever discourage him trying to get into the best school possible for what he wants to do, but......Alabama? I don't know if I'd survive in Alabama!! haha, ok, enough about that. It's over a year away, so no need to worry about it now. :)

The weather stinks today..all grey and no sun. Weekend's supposed to be nice though. Oh! And next weekend is Chloe's Baptism in Maquoketa. I'm so excited to see her! Kind of nervous about the actual baptism though. Obviously I would do anything for her, but in addition to that I have to stand there in front of a bunch of people and promise to raise her Lutheran? I'm honored to be a godmother, but I'd be lying if I said the whole ceremony thing isn't going to be a little awkward. I'm not lutheran, don't go to a lutheran church, and although I haven't quite sorted out what I believe in terms of religion I'm still thoroughly weirded out by the idea of lying in church. I mean, we'll have to bring a fire extinguisher so Brian can be on stand-by in case I burst into flames up there!
I know people do it all the time, and the only thing that really matters is how very much I do love that little girl. :) I'm sure it'll be fine.
Still bringing the fire extinguisher though. Just in case.

Chloe Ellen

vroom vroom!

First time in the pool. :)

2, 4, 6, 8...I'm tired of talking about my weight!

I remember being in Punta Cana on the beach, being lazy and just people watching. There were very few Americans there, and a lot of Europeans. A couple of days in we started talking about the overall difference in the demeanor and appearance of all of the people around us. Big men in little Speedos happily playing with their children, and every so often stopping to give their wives a kiss. Women sunbathing topless...NORMAL women...not your american average size 4. And not one time did we ever see someone looking self conscious, covering up, or being ashamed. That beach was a happy place full of carefree people enjoying their vacation, enjoying each other, and living in the moment without stopping to be worried about what some other person might be thinking. It seemed to us that Europeans, and perhaps all people not born and raised in the US, had a leg up on us about simply being happy, and maybe a little less inhibited. They were comfortable with their bodies. Brian and I talked about the beaches in Florida and California, how different it is, and how we have developed this really scary preoccupation with our weight in the United States. Isn't it sad that although a day at the beach may sound like a heavenly retreat, many people won't go because they are afraid or uncomfortable? I've been one of those people so many times. How much have I held back in life because of this? How much fun am I missing out on being worried that I'll LOOK silly? Is it worth it? Aren't we all just human? Why do we choose so many times to try to conform and live by someone ELSE'S standards for OUR lives? Isn't that the most ridiculous thing ever?
I think so! Sure, be healthy, eat your vegetables, get some exercise, and do the best you can to take care of your body, but do it for the right reasons. Why should we ever feel ashamed, embarrassed, or shy about our weight...it is who we are and does not make us any less beautiful!!! And you know what is the most beautiful thing ever??? A smile...to see a person enjoying the short time that we have here...carving their own path, and creating their own happiness.
Of course the only reason I'm writing about this (and the only reason I write about anything) is that I struggle with it. I feel like I have to fit into a mold in order to be beautiful, and by doing that I am leaving it up to someone else to decide that I am good enough. It's such horse shit! And I know this, so by blogging it have officially added it to the list of things to remember when I'm having a "fat" (again..horse shit!) day.

Love to all.... :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

Abracadabra

When is it that people started thinking that they would be able to acquire anything of value without a little bit of hard work? It's exhausting constantly watching people be disappointed when they don't get exactly what they want exactly when they want it ...without doing ANYTHING. Where did this sense of entitlement come from? I wasn't born that long ago, and I was always taught that 1.) Life isn't fair, and you don't always get what you want. 2.) You work hard for what you do get. 3.) You don't ever expect people to give you things for free.
Simple, and TRUE. So how did it come to be that we are living in this distorted society of instant gratification? Lenders have long been taking advantage of this compulsion, (as is evident by the state of our economy right now) so I guess it's obviously not a new concept, but that sure doesn't make it any less aggravating. How can we expect people to work hard if they are just given things?
Ok, not meaning to whine and complain here, but I'm sick of hearing people whine and complain!!! =P

On that note, I'm thirsty......so I'm going to sit here, finish my work, and the next time I turn around I am fully expecting to see a frosty beverage sitting on my desk. Hope I'm not disappointed.

It's always surprising to me the random events that change my perspective on life. It never fails that every time I think I have things figured out, something always happens or changes. It's an awesome learning experience, but the process of figuring out what the lesson is isn't always quick, and it isn't always easy. At the very least I realize that nothing in my life is completely solid, no decision, philosophy, feeling...everything is and will always be constantly changing, exceptions to the rule will always have to be made, and matters of the heart are ever evolving. Speaking in absolutes doesn't seem to serve me well because most of the time, at some point, I change my mind. I guess some people would call me indecisive for this, or unable to stick to my convictions. I like to think this makes me flexible, and am coming to accept that it isn't a character flaw. Situations arise, circumstances change, and all I can ever expect myself to do is deal with what I have at the time in the best way that I can. Maybe there is no absolute resolution to certain things. Maybe taking what you can get when you can get it isn't being "weak", maybe it is just coming to realize that when it comes to other people in a constant state of change, as we all are, sometimes expectations only cause disappointment. Sometimes I think I get caught up dissecting and over analyzing situations and outcomes in order to find some resolution when at the end of the day, it simply is what it is.

The "Shack"

Just wanted to post a picture from the lake trip. We had a great time with David & Danielle. It was really nice to spend some quality time with them, and especially nice for me to get to know Danielle a little better. As you can see, we took out a pontoon one of the days we were there. The weather was nice, but it did get rainy, dark and really windy for about 20 minutes when we were out on the boat, and the waves in that lake were UNREAL. 3-4 foot swells were really rocking the boat and at one point the entire front of the boat got slammed on the water so hard it went under for a few seconds. Kind of scary!!

TGIF!

Busy Friday leading into a busy weekend. I'm house/dog sitting for my boss this weekend in Roscoe, and will also be trying to get ready to leave next week. Dr.'s appt. on Monday, and I wanted to get a massage because my back has been hurting, but I don't think I am going to have time for that. Need to clean my house, and most definitely need to do laundry. I wanted to pull some weeds too, but again..not sure that's going to happen!!
I am really enjoying my bike this summer. Brian and I did 10 miles on the trails Wednesday, and it felt great. It's such a nice way to enjoy the outdoors. I think Brian really likes it too. Thanks Sue! :)
I have finally undertaken the task of redecorating the dining/living room, and am looking forward to making some furniture purchases. It's only been 5 years in the making! I'm sure when I get done it will be about time to move again. :)

Well, I better get back to the grind. More soon.

PS: What's up with the weather? brrr! (60 degrees in mid July?)

Well, my camera broke...

so I don't have any pictures from this weekend. And of course, yesterday it just magically starts working again. GRRR! Nice timing. Anyway, we had a great day w/David, Danielle and Chloe. She is so much bigger, and I swear she looks like a different baby. She SMILES now, which just makes me fall in love with her even more (didn't know that was possible!).
I always kind of thought that kids were not for me. You know...you go out to eat and there's a screaming kid at the table next to you. Or, you're on a plane stuck next to the baby that won't stop crying for 4 hours. Or, my personal favorite, the kid in the grocery store that has a complete meltdown because they can't get what they want. I never ever thought I would have the patience to deal with that. And in my opinion, that's the easy stuff! What in the world would I do with a some sassy rebellious teenager? I mean, there should be a guide or a manual or something for raising kids. And this is all assuming the BEST. The worst case scenarios are just terrifing.
Anyway, my point was going to be that it kind of changes when your brothers/sisters start having kids. At least it has for me. It's different when you love them so much that you'd do anything for them. Chloe's not even my kid, and I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for her. So I guess I get it. Maybe people aren't "stuck" with kids.
Maybe I could have one.
When I'm 50 or something.
:)

I missed my blog!!

Over the last month I realized I miss writing in my blog. Sure, it's a public forum, and some of the stuff that I write about is personal. BUT it is my blog, and if you don't like it you can always just not read it. :)

On another note...................................
July is shaping up to be an awesome month!
We spent the 4th w/Brian's family and had a great time....ate lots of good food, and set off some fireworks. It's so nice when we can get together with our families. I sort of didn't appreciate that before, but now it's just fun, which is a nice place to be at. It is crazy to think how different we are, and how different our relationship is from when we started out 5 years ago. The wonderful thing is that it's all been learning and positive, and growing together...becoming better people. I don't think I could ask for anything more!

This weekend David and Danielle are coming for a visit with little Chloe, and I can not express how excited I am to see her!!! I'm sure she has grown so much and I probably won't even recognize her. I wish we lived closer to each other, but I'll take what I can get for now. :) Expect lots of pictures on Monday!

Next weekend we will be getting ready for our trip to the "Shack" in Mauston, WI. David and Danielle are coming with us...SO EXCITING!...and it's going to be 4 days of being out on the water and relaxing by the lake. My boss was kind enough to extend the offer of the use of his lake house to us this summer, and we couldn't pass it up!
So, lots is happening...summer is here...life is good!

Last Blog :)

As the title says, this will be my last blog. I'll still be on Facebook, but think that's a better idea so I can somewhat control who web-stalks me! I don't think there are any privacy settings on this, and if there are I can't find them. Soooo.....we'll talk on facebook. :)

Beautiful Day!

After a day or so of negative thoughts causing me aggravation, it's time to realize that I can't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch. I think I've already thrown out all of the bad apples anyway, so why continue to let them affect me?

I have an AMAZING life! I turn 26 this week...WOW!

No, Bless YOU.

Let me first start off by saying that I respect all religious beliefs, and I think that people are wholly entitled to their beliefs, and have a right to practice them as they see appropriate. It's a free country. (Wait...it is a free country right??) But here is what I don't respect...I don't respect people who feign piety and use religion as a platform to push their own agenda on anyone and everyone who will listen. I cannot understand, and probably never will how a person can claim to "live by the bible", and in the same breath condemn others, use guilt and scare tactics, and (as was my most recent experience, and the reason for this rant) use Bible quotations as a thinly veiled attack on my character. Please...excuse me for saying so, but I think I'm an ok person.
There are about 25 majorly recognized organized religions on this planet, with 33% being Christian. Now they can't ALL be right, correct? So, if we applied some common sense (a practice clearly not recognized by the majority of people in my life who call themselves Christians), wouldn't we come to the conclusion that there MAY just be more than ONE way of seeing things?
Now I'm not by ANY means trying to defame Christianity. I'm just sick of mean and ignorant people posing as Christians to give them a voice on a subject they squawk about all over town, but do not practice at ALL behind closed doors. I mean, when did loving God become a reason for a "them against us" attitude? Shouldn't we all be united in love, and not divided by it? Love God, but please do not tell me how to do the same or when to do it or if I'm not doing it right or enough. I love people, I try to be kind, I wouldn't hurt a fly and I'd go out of my way to help someone.......when did that become not good enough? And who made you the authority? Shouldn't we let each make his own choice in peace, and leave the judgement for God? Or should we make people miserable for their personal choices, and all scream our beliefs at once....so that not only have we hurt others, but no one can be heard. I just don't understand how faith and love can equate judgement and condemnation.

I could go on all day, but I have bongos to play and camping to do and a tree to hug...because apparently I'm just a crazy liberal hippie granola child.
Peace.


"Basically, universal responsibility is the feeling for other people´s suffering just as we feel our own. It is the realization that even our own enemy is motivated by the quest for happiness. We must recognize that all beings want the same thing we want. This is the way to achieve a true understanding, unfettered by artificial consideration." - His Holiness the 14th Dali Lama of Tibet

Pura Vida...

The good life, the pure life. Recently, my mantra. It's surprising how many people can actually be angered by someones happiness. How they can judge it. Unfortunately these are the people who want to preach to everyone about their way, which is of course the ONLY WAY, and what it seems to me that they are missing is....well, you can't teach what you don't know. Life is simply the process of knowing yourself. How can we judge anyone elses life...because we have NO IDEA what their journey is all about.
Just a thought. I'm getting a little tired of seeing people being made to feel guilty about absolutely ridiculous things. Live your life, enjoy the good days,SMILE, and never take yourself too seriously...it's exhausting! Oh, and the people who smile with you...those are the people you want to keep around.

We're back :)

Had a great vacation. The weather was beautiful with the exception of one day that we got hit with a tropical storm. Even that was pretty cool to watch. We did lots of swimming and were very lazy and otherwise unproductive, which was our goal. :) :) We did go out one day by boat to a floating dock on the reef, and went snorkeling. Also swam with sting rays and sharks!

Spring Pictures

Lauryn
Kailey
David, Danielle & Chloe
Lily

All of my beautiful nieces!

No Eject Button Necessary....

I need a vacation. I deserve a vacation. If I don't take a vacation soon, I may lose my mind. Yep, been there, said that. What I didn't realize at the time is that we need to chill out! If you let everything get to you to the point where you feel that you have to flee your life to stay sane, then you're not taking enough time to appreciate the beautiful things you have as a part of your day to day life. Yeah, vacations are nice but I am promising myself that as of today they are not necessary. I will take the time every day to feel serene where ever I happen to be, because I have so much beauty in my life as it is, and so much to be thankful for on a daily basis! Every minute spent with someone I love is a vacation. A quiet moment petting my crazy cats is a vacation. A hot shower is a vacation. I will seize these moments and claim them instead of letting stress steal them away. Worry doesn't change circumstances anyway so what is the point of getting so worked up? I don't want to run away from my life...I want to appreciate every second of it, just the way it is. Vacation, Schmacation. =P

Amazing

I just have to say that any man who can laugh 90% of the time while being poked with needles, woken up, dragged from test to test, and given no time to rest is pretty amazing. I think that the majority of the time the nurses leave the room laughing about something or other. How great is that?! Talk about defining your character. :)

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
-Winston Churchill

ARRRRRGH! Pirates...Really?

I'm still amazed when I hear about these Somalian Pirates taking over US cargo ships, and doing raids.....PIRATES! I don't know why I find it so funny that in modern times pirates can still take over ships! Well, really it's not "funny" because people are in danger, but you know what I mean. I was talking to my boss yesterday about the 3 pirates that the Navy sniped off of the last ship...just took 'em out. I agree that it was the best course of action, as they were holding people hostage, and I made a joke about "hey, at least Obama isn't having them captured nicely, and bringing them back here to sit in front of a judge...". Well, low and behold, what do I hear on the radio this morning? We've captured one and he is on his way to NY for a TRIAL! Insane....seriously, are my tax dollars going towards paying for a pirate trial?!!! ARGH! (haha) What a waste of my "booty"...

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.."

- ANONYMOUS

Easter Basketball Game

Brian & his niece, Anna. :)
Brian's cousins...Andrew, Rose, Elizabeth & Robert

Robert and his "downsy" face (??) haha!

Brian & Rose

Elizabeth's action shot

Brian's action shot...RAINMAN!

We had a great Easter in St. Charles. It turned out to be a beautiful day. Great food, family, and lots of kids on a sugar high...really, that's what Easter is all about, right? :) Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday as well!

Cedar Rapids Pictures

Chloe sleeping in grandpa's arms (his stories are REALLY boring!)

Grandpa & Chloe

David, Danielle & Chloe

David & Chloe

Grandma Lisa & Chloe

Auntie & Chloe

Chloe & Grandpa

Cedar Rapids Trip / Easter

Good Morning! This weekend is shaping up to be a good one. I finally get to meet Chloe! :) :) :) We are leaving (the parents and I) early Saturday morning, and coming back the same evening. It will be a short but sweet visit. Sunday Brian and I are going to St. Charles for Easter at his Aunt & Uncle's, and will also be celebrating a birthday while we are there. Looking forward to relaxing that day. Monday I have my interview with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. After that Brian has a game that he should be pitching in so I'll head over to Road Ranger Stadium. They just played in Milwaukee yesterday and won both games. Go Regents! I think they are 4th in the division right now.
The weather is starting to feel a little bit more like Spring, which has been nice.
Work is going well....same old stuff. Went to court this morning and won my case, but why is it that I feel like I'm going to get stabbed outside the courthouse?! Seems like there are always a few shady characters hanging around outside....typical Rockford I guess.
On a brighter note, I hope everyone has an excellent holiday. :) Enjoy the time with your families and....eat lots of Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs.

Angelface :)

I don't think I'll stop thinking about her until I get to hold her myself! Planning a trip to CR this Saturday w/my parents to meet her. I'm sooooo excited!

SHE'S HERE!

Chloe Ellen Phillips

4/5/09

Hey Sis... :)

I love you so much!
Eat a piece of cake for me!

Hey YOU...thanks. :)

Sometimes things happen that make us realize how very lucky we are to have the people in our lives that we do. For me, it isn't that I don't appreciate them on a daily basis, because I do, but sometimes life just happens so quickly that it can be hard to find time to reflect and appreciate all of the little things that the ones we love do for us. A kind word, a helping hand, a hug at the end of the day, soup when you're sick....people have this amazing ability to connect on so many levels, and I just want to acknowledge that I would not be where I am, or who I am without the people that have helped me along the way,sometimes in ways that they may have thought to be insignificant.
Recently, Brian has been having some medical issues that are probably concerning me more than necessary, but it's times like this that you realize how much family pulls together, how much people love you, and that no matter what could ever possibly happen to you there will be the same smiling faces there loving you the entire time. Brian and I are both lucky enough to have amazing families that convey that to us when we need it the most. We are lucky enough to have each other and to know every day that there isn't going to come a time when we have to deal with the hard things alone.

Sorry I'm such a sappy mess today! :/

On a different note, I recently went through the application process for Big Brothers/Big Sisters here in Rockford. I have an interview set up on the 13th, and I'm really excited to meet with the director, and learn more about the program. If all goes well, after that I can start the training that they require, and be assigned to a "little". Very exciting!

Aside from that, nothing new to report. Still waiting on my niece...

Baseball & Babies

Good Morning! It's the beginning of another week as we move into Spring, and the days are flying by. The Regents had their first home game on Saturday. It was a double header, and they won both games. I had to work until noon, but I made it for the second game...so much fun! As you can see in the picture, it was a beautiful day. Sunday was pretty nice too, and I actually got Brian to come out on the bikepath and run a few miles with me. :) Wish I could say the same for today, but....it's been raining all day..ick. I don't think the JV game that was scheduled for today is going to happen.
I finally made a doctors appt. to get the shots I need for our trip to Punta Cana. That should be a fun way to spend my Monday. Oh, and I get to go to the DMV next Monday as well...I should be in a GREAT mood by the time I get home! haha
I talked to David this weekend, and he said that Danielle is having Braxton-Hicks contractions (at least I think that's what he called them...). Apparently it's perfectly normal, but I am expecting a call any day now that my little niece is on her way. I let my boss know that I'll be taking the day off to drive to IA when that happens. I'm sure I'll have about 1,000 pictures to post when I get back so you can all see her.
And that pretty much brings us to Easter. I think the plan for that is St. Charles at Brian's Aunt & Uncles.
That's about all I have this time around. Hope everyone is having a great week so far! :)

Marathon....186 days and counting

Good Morning! Just a quick update here. I'm trying to motivate myself, so I thought I'd post. :) I am up to a 5 mile long run in my training plan, and doing about 13 miles a week. I should be doing 6 miles for the long run this week, but I got sidelined last week with shin splints, and am waiting for my new, more supportive, shoes to be delivered. They should be there when I get home, unless the UPS website is wrong. I actually custom designed these shoes on nike.com...so cool!
I just have to say that 5 miles right now takes me a little less than an hour to run. I AM SLOW! But the issue is that running for an hour on a treadmill staring at the wall is boring. Really boring! I can't wait until it warms up a bit and I can run outside. That's going to be so nice!
I talked to Brian on Sunday, and he's having a blast in AZ. he said the first game he pitched in, he struck out the side. He explained that that means he threw 3 strikes in one inning, which is awesome! I'm anxious to see him play when he gets back and starts the season here.
OK, that's it for now. More soon. :)

March Sadness..

Brian left this morning and I miss him already!

March MADNESS!

March is shaping up to be a crazy month for us, but in a good way. I think. I'm dropping Brian off at 1:30am on Friday to catch a flight to Phoenix for his baseball tournament. He is so excited, but running around like a crazy person trying to get ready between school and practices. He'll be away for over a week. While he's gone, I will be in Iowa for a baby shower. After he returns, I'll be housesitting for my parents for 10 days. He'll have games every other day, most of them out of town. And it seems like EVERYONE I know was born in March, so lots of birthdays. We did apply for our passports last weekend, so that's out of the way. I am so excited to get away for a little while....I just have to make it until May! Work is going well. The economy is starting to take a toll on us, but who HASN'T it affected?
Skunk is doing well...fat and happy, and constantly into something.
It seems like it's starting to warm up just a little bit here, and I can feel that Spring is on the way. I am ready for it! I have been training for my race on a treadmill, and that gets really boring. It'll be nice to run outside for a change. As of this Sunday, I'll be up to 6 miles. That's almost half way! It's been a challenge so far, but I haven't missed a run yet, and I really do enjoy it.
So, there's my update. I'm sure I'll be writing more soon. :)

I'm in Shock...

because I just booked a trip to this beautiful beach in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. My 1st REAL vacation, and trip outside the country!!!!! I'm so EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Saturday :)

It's Saturday...yay!!! I only work until noon, Brian only has practice from 4-7, and it's 40 degrees outside....Saturday is looking GOOD! I might actually be able to do my running outside this weekend, which would be so nice because the treadmill gets really boring. I'm only up to 2 miles at a time, but I'm doing it at a faster pace then what is called for at this point. Yesterday I registered for the Chicago Mini-marathon (13.1 miles), so I am now 100 % committed to doing this. It's a really good feeling to have something to work towards, and I know it's going to be a challenge.

Not to much on the agenda for this weekend. We might go see a movie, but other than that no major plans. Would you believe that Brian has practice every day until 12am? Sometimes TWICE a day? It's insane...you'd think it was MLB or something. Needless to say, our time together is limited so I am looking forward to seeing him this weekend. :) :) :)
We're crossing our fingers, and hoping to take a vacation to the Punta Cana, Dominican Republic in May when the season is over, and before he starts summer classes.

On a different note, that cute and adorable fluffy little kitten in the pictures from previous posts has turned into SUCH a little punk!!! Nothing in the house is safe, and everything (to him) is only a challenge for him to destroy it. No garbage has been left unturned, and nothing is sacred. Yesterday, he literally jumped into my dinner. I could have killed him. Seriously. I'm sitting there, and he jumps from the floor DIRECTLY onto my plate. All four paws into my dinner(which I hadn't touched yet).......I mean, he basically belly-flopped into my casserole. I've never seen anything like it, and I KNOW the little buttmunch did it on purpose!!!! He was so pleased with himself afterwards, sitting there licking all the sauce off of his paws and belly. I lost my appetite after that. His cuteness has officially worn off.

Relax. Breathe. Relax.

Today I find myself being reminded how easy it is to stay positive and upbeat when times are good. It is only when things get challenging that your resolve is tested, and you can truly say that you are strong enough to stay positive. It's difficult, but I keep repeating to myself that only I can control the way I feel...I will not let my emotions dictate my mood. Relax. Breathe. Relax.

You know what else I am finding incredibly difficult at this juncture? Accepting that I can not control other peoples situations. I could expend all of my energy for countless days wishing I could control other peoples circumstances, thinking about what may or may not happen, and at the end I'd be exhausted, and back exactly where I started...completely unable to do anything.

So I'm also trying to remind myself that although I may love someone very much ALL I can do is continue to love them. Beyond that, things are simply out of my hands.

Life is challenging! Life is good!

Relax. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. You get the idea...