I read last night that children of addict parents often, as they get older, see that parent in themselves and begin to hate and fear it. It's interesting because even though I (thankfully) lived with my dad who was and is wonderfully normal...the intermittent exposure I had to my mother has inflicted deep wounds that I am still uncovering. My resentment towards her is gone, but the fears about myself becoming like her run deep. Being engaged is forcing me to come to terms with these things. I used to think I didn't want to get married. I always said I'd never have kids because I didn't want them. I've been resolute about these things since I was 10 years old...way too young to even grasp what either of those commitments entailed. The funny thing is that I hung on to those resolutions all the way to adulthood. Now, as I'm reaching a place of peace, and the anger is long gone....I can recognize the fear. I didn't want to ever get married because I didn't ever want to risk getting divorced, or marrying the wrong person, or being stuck in an abusive relationship, or becoming dependant upon someone else. I didn't ever want to have kids because I was afraid I'd be a terrible mother. The truth is I want to be married to the right person, and I found him. I want to have kids with the right person, and I found him. I no longer have to feel that I am predisposed to fail. There's still lots of time to think about kids, but at least I don't have my feet planted in a flat out refusal anymore. It's amazing what a bright and hopeful light love can shine down on a person. It illuminates all of the dark corners and reveals that there really wasn't anything to be afraid of after all. :)
