New Year, New Beginnings

I read last night that children of addict parents often, as they get older, see that parent in themselves and begin to hate and fear it. It's interesting because even though I (thankfully) lived with my dad who was and is wonderfully normal...the intermittent exposure I had to my mother has inflicted deep wounds that I am still uncovering. My resentment towards her is gone, but the fears about myself becoming like her run deep. Being engaged is forcing me to come to terms with these things. I used to think I didn't want to get married. I always said I'd never have kids because I didn't want them. I've been resolute about these things since I was 10 years old...way too young to even grasp what either of those commitments entailed. The funny thing is that I hung on to those resolutions all the way to adulthood. Now, as I'm reaching a place of peace, and the anger is long gone....I can recognize the fear. I didn't want to ever get married because I didn't ever want to risk getting divorced, or marrying the wrong person, or being stuck in an abusive relationship, or becoming dependant upon someone else. I didn't ever want to have kids because I was afraid I'd be a terrible mother. The truth is I want to be married to the right person, and I found him. I want to have kids with the right person, and I found him. I no longer have to feel that I am predisposed to fail. There's still lots of time to think about kids, but at least I don't have my feet planted in a flat out refusal anymore. It's amazing what a bright and hopeful light love can shine down on a person. It illuminates all of the dark corners and reveals that there really wasn't anything to be afraid of after all. :)

As we approach the beginning of a new year I can not help but to think about one that we are leaving behind. 2010: I will miss you, and look back at you fondly and without regret. This was the year that I learned not only to break the rules, but to change them. Sounds wonderfully rebellious, doesn't it? It has actually been an amazing edification of the very root of who I am. I've gone from being somewhat adrift to being a leader..even if I am the only one following.
There is a quote that I quite like that says:
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
What I understand now is that to "own" yourself you have to VALUE yourself. You have to RESPECT yourself. You have to BELIEVE in yourself even when no one else does. You have to keep going when there is no end in sight. I spent this whole year (and a good part of last year) trudging through a bog of emotions...just a lot of tough stuff. Sometimes there was no light, and I could only feel my way through the dark. Those days were painful, but I kept at it.
There is an incredible amount of strength to be gained from self-reliance. To be frank, I don't think I could have accepted any kind of proposal from anyone if I hadn't turned this corner. What they say about loving yourself first is true. I think a lot of that just comes with time. Sure, I may have had some extra hurdles to jump, but that only makes me more confidant going forward.
I'm sure the people that know me best might think that I am always in some state of philosophical reflection, and maybe I am. Rarely do I believe in one solid answer, or one idea completely. That frustrates a lot of people. That's ok though. I like to come to my own conclusions about things.
I have the highest of hopes that 2011 will be even more amazing than 2010. As long as I am open to all of the possibilities, I know it will be. AND...I get to plan my wedding to the most incredible, amazing, and truly wonderful man! I've been saying since I was 10 years old that I would never get married, but that place of fear and hurt has honestly been replaced by pure joy. I am secretly infatuated by all of the pretty things that a wedding involves, and elated by the prospect of being married to the love of my life. In short, I have reverted to a giddy little girl, although I am currently stifling it. :) :) :)

I want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone. May we all continue to be just as happy as we make up our minds to be!

JOY JOY JOY

He bought the cow after all. bahahaha! Sorry..inside joke. :)

Something to Think About

"All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man does not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand of it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself."

Note to Self

Remember to be just as thankful for the examples people have given me of what NOT to do as I am for the great examples that are worth emulating.
Still learning...

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Pretty song : )

Couldn't Resist

Chloe dressed up as a ladybug for Halloween this year..too cute!

*~On BLAST~*

I'm sick and sad over all of the hate surrounding the elections. It's disgusting. I'm tired. I read a scathing e-mail from one of my family members to another that really made me realize the depth of hate that people are capable of. Of course it's even more sad that it is my family at odds (not that it's the first or even second time this has happened.), but to be so hateful to your family over a difference of political opinion? My question is this: If all you're doing is hurting people and driving them away, then they can't possibly be hearing your message, right? That REALLY makes me question your motives.
To all of the "Christians" I know, I have this to say--The jig is up. You are the extremist exception to the Christian rule. I will not judge religion based upon you and your example, because you exemplify nothing but ignorance.
Maybe some of you are uncomfortable reading this. Maybe I shouldn't be putting my family on blast in my blog, but know this: I haven't spoken with this side of my family since I was a kid when they tried to convince me that my dad was evil for working hard to have nice things. My blog, my opinions. I know my opinions to be only my own personal truth. Anytime you speak of religion or politics there's bound to be differing opinions but instead of avoiding it on my own blog, I'd like to make as many people as I can think about they way they communicate. Religious or not...do you approach people in a way that encourages them to be receptive to you? Sometimes I don't. I'm not perfect. Sometimes when Brian and I argue it takes me a minute to realize that if we each just spout off our grievances AT each other instead of talking TO each other, then we will never achieve UNDERSTANDING. When you love someone, your goal is never to alienate, degrade, or belittle them into understanding you. When you love someone you don't try to break them into little pieces so you can put them back together the way you want them, you love them for WHO THEY ARE.
So, for all the Christian radicals in my life.....I call bullsh*t. Don't speak to me about loving everyone until you actually learn how to do it.

Chloe Ellen - Newest Pictures

Making Strides

Hello blogosphere. The sun is shining , and although it's a little chilly, I would consider it a perfect day. I love sweater weather. :) I joined back up at the YMCA a few days ago so I wouldn't have an excuse to hibernate all winter. I went in yesterday, but had to stick to the treadmill because I wasn't quite sure how anything else worked! So sad. I'll have to do an equipment orientation soon. Looking forward to taking some classes though & ready to get my Tai-Chi on! I've heard it's relaxing, and since I have about zero flexibility it will be a nice alternative to the torture that some call yoga.
Brian has finally scheduled his GRE test for the end of the month, and as the application deadline for the graduate schools he is interested is Nov. 1st, we should know pretty soon (or at least in a few months) where he'll be going.
Exciting stuff!
Brian and I, along with his sister Melissa are doing a 4 mile walk on the 16th called Making Strides Against Breast Cancer. I'm looking forward to that, and hoping the weather cooperates. You can check out our team page and/or make a donation at:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY11Illinois?pg=team&fr_id=28105&team_id=791157

I'm curious to see how many people are doing it. I still need to find something pink to wear. :)

Walking Away from Good-Enough, in Search of Can’t-Live-Without

It's easy (and safe) to keep the good-enough around. I want the can't live without!

O Happy Day!

Life keeps getting better & better! I wake up happy. :) What more is there?

---------

I just wanted to elaborate a little bit on the post below. I tackled a very broad topic in a short post. What I want to say today is how much enlightenment the awareness that I have control over all of my thoughts/emotions/actions & reactions has given me. Freedom of choice in all aspects of life. I have attained a certain peace in knowing that I may choose not to be hurt, offended, wronged, sad or depressed. I can dismiss forgiveness knowing that there was never a reason forgiveness was called for in the first place, other than my own personal inner turmoil.
That isn't to say that I never feel upset about anything, but being aware that I can ALWAYS redirect my thought process back to the positive is a constant comfort.
I've been cultivating this sort of manner of being for quite awhile, and I have been able to come to terms with a lot. I don't want to be misunderstood, because I don't just dismiss things..that would be denial. What I try to do is really spend some time breaking things down from all angles. Like I said below, when I do that I can realize that I am pondering an outcome. An outcome can not be changed, but the way I process it, the way I choose to feel about it is malleable.
It's not a new concept & I'm sure many self help type books would direct me to the same practices. There is something to be said for really learning the lesson though. I think I have, and I'm finally starting to get it.

The Illusion of Seeing With Your Own Eyes

My grandmother used to say that you can never believe what you hear, and only about half of what you see. This has proven to be true. I never believe what I hear, and while I can believe what I see in front of me, I can never assume to know. What I walk away with is what I perceive. It is becoming very apparent to me how much residual impact the way I choose to percieve things will have in all aspects of my life.
Perceptions have consequences, always. They can impart meaning, and influence decisions. Courage can be provoked, fear exposed, and wisdom simulated. We are continually given a choice about the way we perceive things, and yet we condition ourselves in a way that fools us into believing there is only ONE way to see things. I think that in failing to see that EVERYTHING is universally multifaceted, we assassinate our innate behavior of being inquisitive, and trade it for indifference and dismissal. It is the root of vast social discord in this country, and the rest of the world..and it's a choice. Life, and people are not, and will never be so facile.
There is never any one right person or thought or belief when you take the time to ponder something twice. What you thought were straight lines on a marked path become labyrinthine, and although you run the risk of getting lost, you also reap the reward of finding your own way out.

A big part of my personal growth in the last few years has been realization that nothing is indubitable.
Question everything.

Creeeepy

So, Brian found a gigantic spider that had spun a gigantic web reaching from our garage all the way over the the neighbors garage. It was UNREAL...which is why we took pictures.

I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking I felt something crawling on me!

Lets Call a Spade a Spade...A Prime Example of American Ignorance

I'm sure everyone has heard recently that there is the possibility of a mosque being built in NYC. Actually, it is a community center, which will include a mosque. The community center will be built two blocks from ground zero (not AT ground zero as many seem to think). This mosque (one of 100+ in the city for 1 MILLION Muslim worshippers) has garnered so much attention, and people are just crawling all over each other to fan the flames of what has turned into a very ugly debate....what IS and ISN'T "American". It's absurd. Someone please explain to me how it is "unamerican" to build a mosque in NEW YORK CITY. There's a mosque in the Pentagon! Please tell me how a community center will be "assisting terrorism" only because of it's location in proximity to ground zero?? St. Peters Church and the Museum of Jewish Heritage are actually closer to ground zero. If being defined as an American means punishing (and I don't mean that not building the mosque will be punishment, I mean the spewing of all of this hate that is currently happening) blameless Muslims for 9/11....then count me out. How can we justify being so blatantly discriminatory? Isn't that, in itself, unamerican? There is certainly NO shortage of religious extremists, but surely we can see them for what they are...deluded individuals, and not representative of the whole.
I would like to think that being American means acceptance (or at least tolerance!) of individual differences, and that everyone here who goes to school with us, works with, serves with us....is also an American, and equally entitled to their personal freedoms. The thing is, that doesn't seem to be the way that it works. I'm ashamed of the media for pegging this as the "ground zero mosque". I'm ashamed of the masses of uneducated, self appointed experts that spout off fallacies and perpetuate hate (hellooo Glen)....are these the true "Americans"?

Bad Friday

Never thought there could be such a thing as a "bad" Friday, but I think this is it. If nothing else, it will serve as a reminder to me that the majority of my love and attention, and care and concern should and will always be spent on my family....not on my job. Jobs and bosses don't love you back, no matter what you do for them. It's all just a means to an end. And I DO recognize that I am not going to stop feeling this way until I find something that is not just a "job" to me, but a passion. And even after I find something I love to do, I'll still be disposable...that's just being realistic. It SUCKS.

Couldn't resist..

She's getting so big!

Put 'em up!

Was just thinking today about bullies, after reading that internet bulling was going to be made illegal. Kids can be really cruel to one another, can't they? Adults can be bullies too, we just have less obvious, sneakier ways of doing it. Then, I though to myself...how often do we bully ourselves?? And more specifically, how often do we bully ourselves into silence??
I try to maintain the outlook that everything is best out in the open....sometimes people say I'm too honest. Somehow I've lost the need that I once had as a teenager, to change the facts and manipulate them into something more positive. Thank god! I think we all grow out of that...well, most of us anyway. There comes a time when you realize that life isn't perfect, and you're allowed to mess up..it's inevitable that you WILL mess up..it's part of the learning process. So, we embrace our mistakes, learn from them, move on, and hopefully we don't do the same thing again. I find that talking about my screw ups kind of takes away the power they have over me (I've said this before)..it's frees me from being a prisoner to my mistake. While I am good about letting go of these things, and talking about them without being ashamed, sometimes when it comes to my opinions or instincts or feelings, I clam up. It is my first instinct to say something, but I will literally sit there an convince myself not to, and what I realized earlier is that I'm bulling myself!! If I want to speak up about something I should! I shouldn't sit there and convince myself not to because it'll sound stupid, or someone won't want to hear it, or I'm being too sensitive, or I'm just being paranoid........I'm bulling myself into silence time and time again. I am who I am and if it's too much or too little of something for someone, then that's OK. I'm glad I can talk about my life, but if I can't talk about myself freely, then who will ever know me? I shouldn't have to think about what other people will think and then base what I say off of that.....that is TRULY being a prisoner to my little inner bully, and I really need to make a serious effort to change that!
That's my resolution for this summer, so wish me luck!

Second Chances

I used to be really stringent when it came to giving people second chances. I've always had the "fool me once.." mentality. Of course, I still have that in regards to boyfriends & dating, but I think I've got to slacken up a bit when it comes to friendships. People do change...I know I am always changing, growing & learning, and I am certainly not always perfect. After having someone contact me after 2+ years, in what seemed to be a earnest attempt at reviving something that I thought was dead, I am left second guessing my strict no second chances rule. I guess the bottom line is that people need each other. We need each other not only because we are social creatures by nature, but because we as humans have an innate need to relate to one another on some level. I'd be remiss to discount someone who needed me, for whatever reason, even if it's only for awhile. It goes back to acting with the right intentions, and letting go beyond that. If it doesn't work out, that's ok..but like I said before, I think to not reach out based on the possibility of the outcome not aligning with what I think should happen, is a huge and terrible mistake. If there is anything worth taking a risk on, I think it's got to be each other, right? If we didn't, the opportunity for people to surprise us would be gone, and if we weren’t pleasantly surprised by people, where would our faith in humanity come from? Something to think about, anyway...

We Plan, and God Laughs

I had one of those moments today where I looked up at the sky, nodded, and chuckled at the way things worked out. This usually happens when I am able to connect the dots between what I have done, and what is currently happening , or being done to me. A glimmer of understanding. Karma, basically.
Long story short, I gave a loan a week ago. Yesterday, I got a raise. Today when I was figuring out my projected savings for the year, I realized that the extra money I will be able to save from getting a raise is the EXACT amount I loaned. How crazy is that?! Within a week? The funny thing is that every time, and I mean EVERY time I donate money to causes, or whatever...I never seem to take a loss on that. I always get it back. It's kind of creepy, but in a good way. Truthfully, it probably just goes to show how unimportant money really is, and I'd like to think that whoever is keeping things in balance takes pleasure in surprising me this way. Too many of us, myself included, have anxiety over the money we have or don't have, how much we will or won't have, how much we save & how much we spend...who would have thought that giving it away would be the cure? But...........on second thought, it makes sense, because money really has nothing to do with being rich.

Tony Hayward, the rest of BP, TransOcean, and Haliburton...HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

What a flippin' disgrace. The more failed attempts that go by the fix this spill (which shouldn't even be referred to as a spill, but more of a continually gushing torrent), the more upset I get that all of these assholes are just sitting around in their big leather chairs pointing fingers at each other. You "want your life back" Tony? Really??? Hmmm....so do all of the creatures in the pictures below. Perhaps if the dollar signs hadn't sent you into such a blinding euphoria you wouldn't have facilitated all of the corruption going on within the Mineral Management Service. I mean, did we really expect for a disaster NOT to happen when somehow you are allowed to file YOUR OWN inspection reports??? And to the MMS....were the gifts worth it, scumbags? Unbelievable.
Check out the pictures from the link and tell me if it looks like the environmental impact of this disaster has been "very, very modest".
You know, this is the disgusting corruption that Obama said he wanted to tackle when he was campaigning, and I would love nothing more than to see him crack down HARD on these idiots.....still waiting.
And you know what else is bullshit? Our friends at BP started running a $50,000,000 advertising campaign yesterday, yet 5th generation fisherman who have lost their livelihoods have only received $5k. Again...unbelievable. And yet, BP, the federal government, TransOcean & Haliburton seem to be constantly proving that what we thought to be unbelievable is actually just all in a day's work for them.

(Photo above from cnn.com)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/03/gulf-oil-spill-photos-ani_n_560813.html

My "Happy Place"

Happiness isn't about money or stuff or circumstance, or even love. Happiness is about ME. I LOVE that I get to make the choice every day to be happy. :)

Hope

Hope keeps me going. Hope keeps me moving forward, promising that something bigger and better is possible. While having hope is uplifting, the trepidation caused by the expectations I put on hope is exhausting. My habit is to have hope invested in a situation or person to the point that I am disappointed by the outcome if it doesn't go the way I think it should. I lean towards feeling like a fool for being hopeful that a better outcome was possible. I tend to forget that the simple act of having hope is what inspires us as individuals to reach out to one another. The fact is that once we reach out, our job is done. We can't be responsible for what happens after we reach out. All we can do is remain hopeful that change is possible. We can extend the faith that hope is possible to each other, and maybe the simple act of being hopeful about someone's situation is enough to inspire change. To lose hope is to give up. To punish yourself for having hope only facilitates cynicism and resentment. As I get older I have to remind myself a lot more to keep being hopeful. The more life experience I gain, the more I am exposed to the reality that things don't always work out the way you want them to! Everything is unpredictable. My dad would say "it doesn't have to make sense". And nothing ever does have to make sense, and a lot of things don't, and never will. We weren't born having been promised clarity about everything. I'd like to learn to need less control and have more hope. In doing so, I'll allow myself to want for the absolute best...but I will lose the responsibility that I always seem to take on for the outcome. At least in situations pertaining to other people. As for myself...well, I'm the ONLY one responsible, obviously. I've written about this before, but that's because it's so difficult! You think you have a handle on something, and when you get it all figured out, you assume it's done and over. I'm finding that just isn't the truth.
Knowing is only half the battle.

Chloe Ellen (Memorial Day)

Hellooo long weekend!

Leaving the office early today to get some things done before I go and pick up David & Chloe tomorrow! I think Brian and I are both really looking forward to a relaxing weekend of sun and well, beer. :) In fact I can't remember the last time I had 3 days off, so I will definitely be taking advantage. Sunday we're all going to the parents' house for a cookout. I do not think there is much of anything that I enjoy more than hanging out in the sun and grilling. :) Went and got Chloe a little kiddie pool and some pool toys so she will be having some fun in the sun as well. I always think of my grandparents when my family gets together in the summer. Some of my best memories of them are from when we used to get the whole family together on Sundays & all the kids would play and at the end of the day we'd all eat the gigantic dinner that my grandma and aunts had made. My grandma always made that happen, and I'm sure it was a ton of work for her, but I don't think she was ever happier. Maybe that's why I really don't mind driving to IA to get David & Chloe as often as possible...she'll remember the sunny days outside at grandma & grandpas house. And someone has to "make it happen" like my grandma did. :) She always knew what was important, and I'm sure she'll be smiling down from the sunshine on Sunday.
Not sure what the plan is for Saturday is yet. Chloe usually gets to decide what we do so...we'll see!
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Hi. My name is Mary, and I'm a control freak.

There are times when I sit back and all I can think about how ridiculous it is that I can not just explain to someone how and why to do the right thing, and have them listen. This is the nature of free will, but my oh my do people ever abuse it. It's almost just too much to bear, especially when it's someone you love. I know that I can't control someone else's actions, nor am I responsible for them, but I have to find a way not to feel so much heartache over it. I'm starting to realize it isn't ok for me to want to "fix" everything, because it will NEVER be possible. That sort of thinking, while it sounds so giving and selfless and concerned, isn't realistic at all, and although it's my hearts first reaction, I have to let me brain jump in at some point and say "hey! It's out of your hands...you have to move on!". Otherwise what can I do? Sit there and beat myself up wishing I could do something in a situation where I can't do anything? Sounds like a waste of time to me...but that doesn't make it any easier.

33 days and counting...

I do not understand WHY, with out any alternative to living on Earth, we continue to abuse it so.

http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2010/05/if-you-think-you-have-a-sense-of-the-oil-spills-scale/56425/

Maybe Baby

Ha! Yesterday I was thinking about how much I miss David & Chloe, and so I just threw it out there that maybe they should come visit for Memorial Day, and so now they are!! Sometimes I forget all you have to do is ask. :D
In related news, Chloe said her first word yesterday (baby). David said she was so pleased with herself she repeated it about 5 times while wildly throwing her arms around. I asked him if it was possible that he had mistaken "baby" for "Aunt Mary Ellen"...I mean really, the words couldn't be more similar...right?! hehe..

So proud!

Brian finished up the semester on Monday with straight A's. Can't believe how far he has come. Seriously, when I think about where he was in his life when we first met....well, let's just say I'm glad that I gave the "funny guy" a chance, and saw his potential, and stuck around! I always told him I believed he could do whatever he wanted, and here he is, finally believing in himself, and doing it.

Congrats on a very successful semester, Brian.....only one more to go!! I love you. :)

Photo 5/5/10

Thursday's Wish

Hoping today that you never find me in the same place, because I'll always be moving forward...........

Finding Joy in Small Things

Few things bring me greater joy than:
A spring breeze that carries with it the scent of blooming flowers....A good latte...A smile, from anyone....cool sheets on a hot day.....Listening to the birds sing in the morning....A hug, from anyone.....Sunshine...Sharing a good meal with a loved one.....Riding my bike.....Sunsets.....Sundays........Laying on a blanket staring up at a blue sky.......Laughter, from anyone....When my cats cuddle with me...When all of the windows in the house are open, and it smells like fresh cut grass...long walks.....laying in bed for a half hour after I'm awake....driving with the windows down, and the music up........COLD iced tea....listening to crickets at night.....my family........camping....good books....a fire in the fireplace.....a glass of wine at the end of a long day......And, lastly, the moments when I realize that everything is just as it should be, that the mountains are molehills, and that love, truly, is all there is.

:) :) Be happy today, and find your joy!

(Insert "Changes" by David Bowe here)

I'm thinking ahead lately, and realizing that 2011 is going to be a year for great changes. For the moment, I want to appreciate things here, right now, just as they are. Big changes are intimidating, and sometimes difficult because I tend to overestimate the value of what I have/what I'm comfortable with, and underestimate the value of what I might gain by giving those things up. It always turns out to be refreshing when I "color outside of the lines", and although doing the comfortable and safe thing is not bad all of the time, it's an easy cycle to fall in to. You can only learn new things by DOING new things, and I'd like to learn as much from this place as I can before I'm on to the next...or that's what I tell myself when I get scared about things. I think it's ok to be scared, but not ok to hide. Come to think of it, that's probably why when we went to Punta Cana I didn't just swim in the ocean to get over my fear, I took it to the next level by swimming with sharks. And you know what? It turned out to be one of the highlights of my life so far!

Looking forward to diving in head first again soon......

About time!

I finally got tickets for Brian and I to see The Lion King!!! I have wanted to see this musical for a couple of years now, so I hope it lives up to the hype. Chicago in October...

The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've been appreciating the beauty in nature a lot lately, with spring in full bloom. Today I am reminded of the beauty of the human spirit. I'm newly inspired by the kindness and selfless nature that people in our lives have displayed, past and present. It is really easy to think that if we can only make a small impact it may not be worth it, but by going out of our way to do whatever we can, large or small to help someone, we are touching lives....and that is our purpose here, is it not? So, I am inspired for the second time this week to "pay it forward". No act of kindness is too small. A smile is not insignificant. One minute of your time could echo for a lifetime.

It's All Around Us

I decided to take my bike out today, even though it's been raining. Just couldn't bear the thought of the treadmill, really. I'd rather be soaked and outside. Anyhow, I am so glad I did! I recently got some accessories for my bike, and one of them was a small weather proof pack that attaches by velcro under the seat. I thought it might be smart to carry a phone with me since I often ride alone, but today I brought the camera. So, here it is for you to see through my eyes...

If you wish to know the divine, feel the wind on your face and the warm sun on your hand.
- Eido Tai Shimano Roshi

To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.
- T. S. Eliot

Nothing is worth more than this day.
- Goethe

One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.
- William Shakespeare

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love this time of year!

(Below: A short rest on my post work ride yesterday along the river.)
You've got to love when you can smell the lilacs starting to bloom. I think it is THE best smell in the whole world. I've been taking my bike rides on the path by the river, and my runs/walks at Rock Cut, and it's been fabulous. I can't help but wonder if wherever we end up will have such great places to go for outdoor activity, and I hope so. Originally, Colorado was a possibility, but I think that's been ruled out. That would have been pretty perfect, but as long as I don't end up in Alabama (also ruled out...thank god), I think I can survive. It's a little strange to know I'm moving soon, but to not know where I'm going. It's also hard to overcome the feeling that I am sort of rearranging my entire life to accommodate some one else's agenda. I think I'm getting over that though. A small sacrifice for the greater good. At least I hope so!
Well, I had planned on a run today, but it looks like rain. Hmmm....looks like my options are limited to the treadmill. Yuck. First things first though, and unfortunately my lunch break should probably be over, so it's back to work for me. TGIF :)

This morning I was feeling a bit fed up with my familial situation, which is really the old dog in my life, limping around behind me, looking like hell, and refusing to die. Weird analogy... Anyway, it's sad when I am the one always reaching out to people, and inevitably after so much of this, I start to want to cut people off because it HURTS to be ignored. It is, however hard to hurt for too long when I have the other side of my family that is amazing and supportive, and I couldn't ask for anything better! It is funny how things happen to keep you grounded. I mean, too much of a good thing seems to rarely be allowed in life. If everything is good, well....you're probably in denial. Sounds cynical, but it's just the truth. Everything has it's opposite, and the trick is finding a balance, and THAT is all in the mind......if you can't find anything to be thankful for, you're always going to be sucked back into the pattern of thinking that the universe is doing something TO you, rather than doing something FOR you. I try to steer clear of that as much as possible, although I can't deny that there are days that I can't help but feel like someone upstairs is shining a magnifying glass on my tiny squirming body...watching & laughing. Terrible, right?

Let me just start off by saying that this post is being fueled by extreme annoyance. If some of you happen to manage a team of people, or if you own a small business, let me clue you in to something. Saying
"please" after a completely ridiculous request for your employee to do YOUR job does not make you any less of an ASSHOLE. Or, if you have to begin a sentence with "I know I shouldn't be asking", or "I know I promised I wouldn't".......you're an ASSHOLE for asking. Lastly, if you constantly require the fulfillment of special requests in order to feel that you are being productive, you are a counterproductive ASSHOLE.
So, you may all thank me later for opening your eyes to the error of your ways. Now, I must go open MY eyes to the ever broadening spectrum of what it means to be an asshole that MY boss so graciously lets me bear witness to every day. Surely fuel for some more pissy, sarcastic comments tomorrow.

Chloe's 1st Birthday & Easter

Spiritual vs. Religious

Merriam Webster says that Spiritual is defined as: of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit.
Religion is defined as: (1) : the service and worship of God or the supernatural (2) : commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance2 : a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices4 : a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

One of my resolutions this year was to seek out my spiritual side. I’ve been thinking about it, and the dilemma I’m having is defining it. The things that come naturally (and make the most sense) to me don’t fit into any one religion. Am I confusing spirituality and religion? Do they have to go hand in hand, or can I have one with out the other? Do I have to declare a God?
Here is what I know:
If being spiritual is being somewhat in touch with your spirit or the recognition that there is a piece of you beyond your body that answers to a higher calling, then I believe that, and have understood that for quite sometime. However, what inspires feelings of being spiritual or spirituality for me is the Earth. I’m not a hippie, too young to have seen the 70’s, and I do shower regularly……….but it is true that when I sit outside in the country, and I can hear the birds singing, and the wind slowly rocks the trees, and it’s QUIET like it must have always been before “civilization”…. in that moment, I feel the most connected to who I am, and where I came from. At those times, I am able to be acutely aware of what my purpose is. I can see in my minds eye the way things should be versus the way things are and feel inspired to make big changes. Now this is where I get confused….this seems like a religious expirence to me. When people go to church isn’t it to gain perspective on where they are spiritually? What can they do to better themselves, enrich their lives, create a better future for their children so that they may also see that there is a bigger picture? What I seem to lack is a named God. The people that go to most churches pray to a God, ask things of a God, carry out the will of a God, or try to live by the word of a God. There are strict guidelines that must be followed to be part of any religion wether it be Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Judaism, Islam…..these groups of people ban together based on common belief. My beliefs don’t seem to fit into any of these ninches perfectly. Perhaps organized religion isn’t for me? But then immediately upon thinking that, I think to my future kids. How will they be raised? What do I tell them? I was raised without being sent to a church every Sunday. I went with my grandparents on occasion. My fathers side of the family is Catholic, my mothers are Nazarene Christian (I guess…not sure how to say it properly). But neither mom or dad while together or separate, sent us to or put much emphasis on church. Church is where you learn about God. I think it’s safe to say that the church that your parents decided for you to go to when you are too young to decide for yourself is what you become. You don’t really have a choice. You only have the option to learn one thing. What I do not care for about organized religion is the misconception that some people seem to get that the one thing they learned is the ONLY thing for EVERYONE to learn.
So, here I am with a choice. Am I happy I have a choice? YES. Is it going to be difficult for me to try to cram myself into one of these molds? NO…because I don’t think I can do it! It was unrealistic for me to set a resolution for myself this year to “decide what I was” in terms of religion. You can’t make yourself believe in one year that a certain God is responsible for everything, or at least I can’t at this age. And it isn’t that I don’t believe in God either, because I do….I just can’t name him, and believe in my heart that all others are wrong. I could worship in a temple in India, a Catholic church, or do a ritual in the woods with an Amazonian tribe, and I would feel just as spiritually connected each time in each place. I think my “God” hears me and knows my heart in all locations just the same. Do I know his name, or his back story? No. I pray. My prayers just aren’t addressed as “Dear Jesus”, it’s more of a “To Whom it May Concern,”. I just don’t think that’s the most important thing here!! I think the important thing is to be grateful…endlessly grateful for everything we are given, and to realize it can be taken back at the drop of a hat. This leads to being thankful, and regardless of WHO your prayers of thanks go out to, most religions are united in this which makes me think THAT is the bigger picture here.
So, for the year 2010 that is what I’ll do. No one has to agree with me. Haha, I’m pretty sure no one reading this will agree with me and that’s ok. At the beginning of the year I thought I had to make a decision so I wasn’t just walking around believing in nothing. I didn’t want to call myself an atheist. The thing is, I do believe in something, always have, there just isn’t a church I can go to, and that’s ok. I don’t have to do an ennie meenie miney moe of the most popular beliefs and pick one to conform myself to. Although if I did, it would be Buddhism. Just sayin’.
Lastly, I love everyone for who they are at the core. This blog is, and has given me the chance to declare myself. It’s been nice. I bet some of you think I’m totally misguided, and really weird, and that’s fine. Sometimes I ask Brian about some of the things I write about, and it’s hard to get more than a few words out of him. He just doesn’t spend any of his time worring about anything that isn’t an immediate problem. I LOVE that about him. I love that we can be so different, and yet so unintrusive and respectful of each other. He’d let me do a rain dance around a fire every night if it would make me happy. That is the support that you need to explore yourself and discover who you truly are, and how lucky am I to have it?!! VERY VERY LUCKY!

Renewal

Spring seems to be around the corner, bringing with it a time of renewal. Not sure why, but this reminds me that I always have a choice. I can choose to be beaten down, to stay in the dark winter of my life forever...or I can choose light. I can choose to see the beautiful things. I can choose to adapt, and reinvent myself, to be resilient through the storms knowing that in due time the sun will be shining on me again....it always does.

A flower’s bloom
So small and closed
Protecting what's inside
Pausing in current circumstance,
her debut is yet denied.

Tightly coiled colors
Hidden & unrecognized
A tiny infant flower
Crouched, and tucked in disguise.

Waiting so patiently for a kiss
from her father, Sun
Eager to show the world she exists
and that she is far from where she begun.

Although the wind and rain come now
Violent, to beat her down
Each time, she rises taller still,
Stubborn, and refusing to drown.

And soon, over the tallest mountains
Promising the brightest light
A lazy sun slowly rises,
And in a fleeting moment of fright

This baby holds on, refuses to move,
but slowly lets go, finally ready
Bud becomes flower
This is her hour.

Unfolding each layer slowly
Exposing what she is, unapologetic
Each petal more beautiful than the last
Naturally effortless and truly poetic.

Nothing short of stunning,
Baring everything, beauty proclaimed
not drawing, but demanding the eye
Fresh and new, and unashamed.

And yet..
Who would have known in passing
What this tiny thing could be.
It begs the question that when our eyes look,
How much does our spirit SEE?

Well, I'm back at home after a week of "citter sitting" at my parents house. It was a great week, but I missed my own bed! Since the last time I had been out they have gotten two new kittens who are future barn cats. They are being referred to as the "Tricksters" for now, or for short, T1 (the grey one) & T2 (grey & white). Very cute!

A Sense of Self

The longer I nurture my relationship, the more I realize that the foundation to any good relationship is a good sense of self. It seems that a lot of women put their emotional well being in someone else’s hands, expecting their significant other to provide their happiness, and be their “everything”. That’s a tall order, and yet women get angry when men are unable to provide this for them. I’ve heard people say “he completes me” or “he’s my world”. That seems like a lot of pressure for anyone. Come on ladies…complete yourself…be your own future…create your own world!! I can’t help but wonder if these misguided expectations are the reason, or at least a contributing factor, to the current divorce rate. Starting a life together assuming that someone will be your “everything” seems a little bit unrealistic to me, but it explains a lot. It explains clingy women who constantly need attention, and it explains men that can’t wait to get the hell out of the house. Maybe it’s just my personality type, but I need to be alone sometimes. It gives me perspective. Sometimes I can only clear my head and mind when I am truly alone, and I see that in my future I will always have to make this time for myself. It’s important for me, and I think it’s important for any person in this world of intense over stimulation to just BE sometimes. Solitude encourages peace and reflection, and puts the sharp edges back on your dreams. It’s good to be reminded that you came into this world alone, and to take stock of how well you do when left to yourself. We can not go through life looking for someone to provide us support in every aspect, and still be happy people. I want to always be accountable for my emotional state, because in reality it’s a bit too important to put in someone else’s hands, regardless of your relationship (married or otherwise). I think the modern day interpretation of what marriage should be is skewed in that a lot of women do expect their partners to be responsible for their happiness. Maybe it’s because of all of the “happily ever after” stories we were told growing up, but regardless of how these crazy notions originated, I continually see the train wrecks that they cause, and it’s an UGLY scene.

I wrote Brian a long letter a few years ago about the importance of being independent, always pursuing personal goals, and basically just taking the time to do your own thing. The things that he can accomplish when he puts his mind to it never cease to amaze me. I can’t ever see myself demanding that he put a stop to his personal growth because I somehow think I deserve the majority of his time. That sounds weird, but the way that I want to be loved now, and in marriage is freely, and by choice...not obligation. I’ll always give Brian the freedom to broaden and enrich his life by whatever means he thinks is necessary, and I think as long as I do that I will be included in his experience. What more can I ask for or expect, other than that he do the same for me. Everything else is inconsequential. Love is not perfect, it can’t be. Love, to me, is two individuals happy with themselves, with their own lives apart, who can be happy to see one another at the end of the day. One of my worst fears in marriage is that I might be melded together with some one in such a way that I lose track of my own identity.

Maybe the key to a lifetime of true happiness with another person is not demanding, or even defining marriage, or the roles we think we are supposed to play in it. Maybe as long as you want to come home to another person……as long as you can be peaceful alongside them in quiet moments..maybe that’s what an enduring love equates to.
Some people do not think enduring love is possible (I count myself as a skeptic), but the more I think about it the more I begin to wonder if it is just our expectations of one another that are impossible to live up to. It might seem a little strange for the readers of this blog to understand why an unmarried, unengaged person would be delving into the expansive question of what matrimony suggests, and to understand that you would have to understand my background. For those of you that don’t, I will simply say that to see my mother marry 6 men, and go through 5 divorces, at the very least has made me question not only, and most simply, how a marriage is supposed to be, but more specifically what traits in another person (and myself) should I find to be acceptable in assuring me that if I take a leap of faith my marriage will last forever?? If there is one thing I have committed to, having witnessed multiple failed marriages, it is that I will not be getting married more than once, which in turn seems to demand a very real fear of making the commitment altogether. Luckily, I have also been provided with a wonderful example of what a great marriage can be. My dad has been married to a woman that has not only given me a great example of what women are capable of achieving individually, but who also taught me through her actions what it is to be a good and honest person. So, I have seen the best and worst of both worlds. I wouldn’t say I’m confused as much as committed to being responsible for my future, but I can acknowledge that up until this point I have had an aversion to the very idea of marriage. As with most things I find myself avoiding, I’ve come to the point of turning around and staring it in the eyeball demanding to know what the big deal is. :)

Lastly, if there are girls out there like me who have not been planning their wedding since they were 5, and have not been subscribing to BRIDE magazine since they were 21, I suggest reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is the author who wrote "Eat,Pray,Love" (great book!). I am only half way through Committed, but already her humorous approach (she herself went through a terrible divorce, leaving her skeptical about remarrying) to researching the history of marriage, and what it means to be married among different cultures is thought provoking. It's by no means a self help book, but rather just the story of what she had to go through to make peace with marriage again. It's been interesting.

Limitless

"Indeed, a fish and a bird may fall in love, but where will they live"? - Proverb

To this, I say that there are flying fish & diving birds!!!!

Today I’ll start by saying that the last 26 years of people imprinting upon me what a woman should look like in a bathing suit has me absolutely petrified today. I am REALLY daft sometimes. Here I am wondering WHY I had to be so lazy this winter. Did I really need all of those damn Christmas cookies? Of course not, but being weak by nature when it comes to food in general, I indulged. Now I have love handles that do nothing but remind me that every day passed is one day closer to the time of year when I have to walk around half naked to go swimming. I mean seriously, Spanx needs to custom make me a full body wet suit. Now, I am keeping in mind that the simple solution to this problem is three hideous letters…the GYM. I hate gyms. I hate sweating with other people. I REALLY hate gyms with men in them, which is the way most gyms are. Yes, please watch as the make-up I felt that I had to put on to come to the gym melts off of my face and soaks into my clothes. Feel free to listen as I grunt like a caveman trying to lift the bench press bar, and enjoy watching my face contort in a way you have probably never seen before as I try to do sit ups. Women understand this, right? I mean, truthfully, at the gym all I want to concentrate on is how the freak of a woman teaching the Spin class must be of distant relation to Satan. I don’t want to have to worry about some weirdo staring at me!
Now I have a major dilemma because it won’t be warm out for a few months, my treadmill is currently frozen on the porch, and in the process of writing this I think I have convinced myself that there is no way in hell I am joining the Y. Guess I need to give this one some more thought. In the meantime I guess I'll just continue to enjoy "sweatshirt season".

BULLS...EYE

I'm noticing lately that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit. Does this qualify as "growing up"? hmmm...don't people say that with age comes wisdom? Maybe I am just acquiring the wisdom to differentiate the b/s. If that's the case, I am quite afraid of what will happen when I get older, because at this rate I might end up a very cynical old lady. That's a scary thought. I guess I had better work on dismissing the b/s, because something tells me it's not going to disappear in my lifetime. It is difficult to let go of sometimes because I think most of us have the need to learn and understand things, and in the general case of most b/s, this just isn't possible. It's confusing to try to delve into the b/s perpetrator's mind and make sense of the word vomit they have spewed, or the boggling act they have committed. Truly, it only makes sense to them, which makes any attempt at understanding on my part a complete and utter waste of time, which in turn cancels out any logical reason to give b/s or the b/s perpetrator even a single thought. Now that I have honed my radar and can identify b/s quickly and accurately I can only hope that it will be easier to remember to dismiss it promptly next time because IT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY TODAY!!

A Moment of Clarity

I don't think anything else could be quite so rewarding as knowing exactly what the perfect course of action is for a very perplexing problem. After I spend all of this time working through a cloud of confusion to arrive at this place of clarity, I feel at peace. Many people find it through meditation & many through prayer. Usually I find mine in quiet moments of reflection.
Jeni Stephanek would refer to it as your "thin space", or the place where your spirit and God are in the closest contact & the veil seperating your essence from your being becomes transparent enough that the spirit becomes undeniable. Your spirit more or less shows itself to you, and you know it intimately rather than simply just being aware of it.
A truly great description for something that is so hard to put into words!

Oh the Joys of being a Woman

Feeling alienated and sad today. Need chocolate.

MLK Day

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Martin Luther King Jr.

This is a quote Stephanie posted earlier, but I thought it was too good not to repost on my blog. I'm sure that each and every person on this earth can take this quote and apply it to some aspect of their life. There are certainly times that it seems MUCH easier for me to get angry and upset when people don't do or say what I expect them to, or when a situation doesn't go the way I had planned. Such is life, but when you are having a bad day sometimes the little things become amplified. It's embarrassing, but I think we all find ourselves a little snippy sometimes because we've had a bad day. The thing that I find to be askew is what I sometimes define as a "bad" day.
As the result of a nonviolent demonstration, Martin Luther King was arrested, his home was bombed, and he was subjected to personal abuse. I'd call that a bad day.
More recently, the earthquake in Haiti killed 140,00 people. Hundreds of thousands more are left with out mothers and fathers & are missing brothers & sisters. Their homes and jobs are gone. There is no food and barely any water. I'd call that a bad day.
Now I can say that I don't think I've ever had a "bad day" in my life. Certainly nothing that would warrant me walking around with a black cloud over my head, unable to smile, and pushing away the people that love me. Certainly nothing that would cause we to WASTE a day wallowing in my own self pity.

There are countless other examples throughout history that serve as a reminder to me of how ungrateful and somewhat spoiled we have become over the years. Somehow we've lost our way. We've managed to stop being grateful for what we have, and focus instead on what we don't have, and then we obsess over the quickest and easiest route we can take to get it because we have fooled ourselves into thinking that we NEED it. Our families, and relationships, and our HAPPINESS fall by the wayside in our hostile pursuit of these things. Constantly chasing after something you can never have only makes you tired. Sometimes I think I'm lucky because my legs got tired early on, and I stopped running after all of the things I thought I "deserved". I could not be more grateful that I stopped before I ran right past the things that matter.
I'm emotional today thinking about MLK, because he was a man who knew what mattered. I hope that I can take a little bit of his courage, and carry it over into my own life so that I can do right by the people I share this earth with, always appreciate the ones I love, and never fail to realize that each day is an opportunity to do something that matters.

6 Years lucky..

Yesterday was my 6 year anniversary with Brian. It sure does make you think back and to the future, and wonder what will happen. How will our relationship grow? Will we be 75 sitting on a porch swing holding hands and talking about the best times of our lives? We went to dinner last night and as I was enjoying my trough of bouillabaisse (that’s another story altogether) we were talking about what we’d like to achieve in the NEXT 6 years. Let me tell you, it’s going to be a busy 6 years!! I’m sure everyone in our families has realized by now that we are in no hurry to get married… we have goals we’re trying to work towards, and I think there’s a certain place you have to be in financially in order to feel comfortable taking that next step. I mean basically, for me, I don’t need to be married until I’m ready to have kids, and I’m not ready for that right now AT ALL! We’re trying to be smart. If we’re going to be together forever then does a few years really make any difference? I’m explaining this all because it doesn’t seem like a lot of people understand. I say we’ve been together 6 years, and people say “and why are you not married?”...
I have to admit it’s really annoying to feel like you have to justify not being married at 26. It’s not like I’m 50 people…..I don’t live alone with 20 cats and eat t.v. dinners every night! I’m simply trying to be smart about my decisions, but no….something has to be WRONG…it’s me, it’s him, blah, blah, blah. I hope that next year people can just say congratulations, but I'm doubtful.
I will no doubt breathe a sigh of relief when I AM married and our first anniversary comes around and people are just happy for us… no round about comments, or sneaky digs. Actually, that pretty much settles it! If ever there was a reason to get married, THAT MUST BE IT, RIGHT?????!
All sarcasm aside, I am lucky, and I feel that every day, and I am thankful EVERY day. We may not always be living the life that other people think is best for us, but it's OURS. We embrace it, we own it, and we are in control. I happen to think I am laying the foundation of what will turn out to be an amazing adventure!
The more I think about it (and I realize that I write about it often), I really do believe a major component of happiness, for me, is always making that effort to realize and be aware of the fact that it is completely unnecessary to compare myself to other people. It breeds unhappiness. It's when I compare my life to someone else's and think .."what do they have that I SHOULD have by now" that I fail to remember that everyone is on their own completely unique journey and that so many components are different it would be impossible to make any reasonable comparisons. I see people forget that, and actually strive to be the perfect mold of one another, and they do.....they achieve it on the outside, and by all appearances, but they could never have what I have because no one can really know them. People aren't flawless. The most freeing thing for me (and this may sound utterly strange)is talking about my mistakes, flaws and flops! It grounds me, makes me realize it's not THAT huge of a deal, and most importantly...it takes away their power!!! I'm not hiding mistakes to appear perfect and letting them manifest into the host of disasters they so often become (lies, affairs, cheating, manipulating, and general unhappiness).
I'd rather appear to be a disaster, and go to bed happy. :)

How to begin in 2010...

People always ask on New Years Eve what my resolutions are, and I never have an answer! It's taken me a week, but I think I have finally decided on some goals for the new year.
In 2010 I would like to:
- challenge myself to push the limits of my personal comfort zone more often
- take a dance class, join the Y, and start running long distance again. :)
- VOLUNTEER at least 3 hours a week
- Love like I've never been hurt before (borrowed from my mom, but it's a good one)
- search out my spiritual side...I know it's in there!

So, that's a start anyway. I will keep you posted on what I achieve and the baby steps I begin to take towards my new goals.

2010 is going to be an amazing year!!